What I Want

I spent so long worried about what I could give

Whether I was giving enough

How many people I was giving to

Pieces of myself

Breaking apart

Little by little

Piece by piece

Crumbling and barely even noticing it

Letting myself crash from the aftershocks

23 years of learning to disappear

To apologize

To give away my heart

And all the contents of its treasure chest

But I’m done negotiating with terrorists

I’m done surrendering to pirates

Allowing myself to fade away

And finally

For the first time in my life

I’m thinking about what I want

What do I want?

I want cute shorts that actually fit me

I want to eat curry chicken til I get sick

I want to travel across the world and still keep flying

I want a love that makes you smile at the grocery store

I want to smile at the grocery store

I want to finally publish that book I always said I would publish

I want 3 pairs of classy shoes

I want to bleach my hair because why not?

I want to tell all my friends how much I love them

I want to ride a bus across a busy city

I want to live in a busy city

I want to finally love this fat body

And I want to finally be loved despite this fat body.

And maybe that’s too much

Maybe this is all too much to ask for

But I’m done pretending that I don’t want anything

And I’m done believing that I’m not worth wanting.

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741