Waves

Maybe if I pretend I'm okay
I will be
Maybe I can block it out
Block out the ache
Ignore the sting
Smile as if you're next to me
Giggle with the girls
Joke with the guys
They don't know what I'm feeling
So why should I
I decide this is the best decision
And the waves of sorrow lessen
Because I'm pretending they're not there
I push aside the steady beat
Of waves against my walls
I sit facing the sun
Pretending not to notice the hurricane brewing behind me
And then suddenly
The waves crash over my borders
Breaking down my fake walls
And I'm drowning in the sorrow I ignore
Drowning, sinking
So instead of fighting
I take a different route
I allow the waves to overwhelm
I drink in the sorrow
I breathe the grief like a gasp for air
I swallow the salt in my tears
I let myself drown in pity
In ache
In desperation
I don't struggle
I just let the waves rush over me
I'm sinking
I'm losing all consciousness
I've given up
But instinct is kicking in
Something in me demands to breathe again
And I fight to push back into the sunshine
Now I'm back where I began
Do I ignore the steady pulse
Or let it crash over me
There seems to be no middle ground
But someday there will be
Someday the tide will roll away
And I can stand in the sunshine
The waves will still be there
And sometimes I will feel their lapses
But they'll bury me no more

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