I wish I would have jumped into those pools,

that the fear of how big the splash mught be, didn't paralyze me.

I wish that I didn't spend every pool party cowering in my Dad's oversized tee, 

that my favorite cheetah print bikini I bought from Target saw the light of day.

Yet you'll find in every photo, I've taken up residency in the back,

a fake smile painted on to cover how uncomfortable I am.

Yet you'll find a phone full of text messages saying I can't make it to the party.

a trail of lies leading to the fact that I've wasted time.

I've wasted pool days at daycare when I was seven,

those trips to the community pool are long gone.

I've wasted night swims when I was sixteen, 

those supposedly carefree times are long gone.

They say you're not supposed to live a life of regrets.

But I don't know how.

They say everything happens for a reason.

But I struggle to believe that's true.