in my voicemails is where i keep you.
i have only listened twice,
for good reason,
because each time your voice echoes in my mind
it burns a whole in my heart
and weakens my body
and fills up my lungs.
this is where your voice lives on
while your body and soul do not.
every time i hear you begging;
"sweetie, please call"
"hello darling i miss you"
"don't you miss me like i miss you dear?"
but your old, sick mind was toxic
so toxic it was deadly to my vunerable heart
so toxic that it killed you.
no matter how much i distract myself,
or push the thoughts away,
or act like your death has enlightened me to learn from your mistakes,
i am still full of guilt
and heartache -
wishing i would've answered.