Untouched.

I wake up. Run to my phone. Turn off the alarm. Tip-toe to my drawer, open the door, slowly close it so it doesn't make a sound. Use the bathroom. Get dressed. Grab a quick bite to eat from the mini fridge, and I'm out. One person. Two. There's three. Four. The crowd is coming. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Watch out there's a car. Cross the street, pass the construction, look there's the field. People laying down, others on the bench. Some smoking, some working, some talking with friends. Down the sidewalk, through the tunnel, up the stairs, through the doors. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Watch out he's got a cart. Through the halls, room 103, 105, 107. Enter the classroom. Check to see if it's right. Up the steps of the auditorium. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Watch out for his bag. Squeeze in. Hear the rustling. Pull out pen, notes, and extra paper. Look, there is the teacher. What's he saying? I don't know. Does the board say three or there? Raise my hand? No way. The crowds. The students. The people. The rustling. Then awkward silence. The hesitation to make a move. I don't understand. What do I do? Ask? Never. What about the girl next to me? Does she look nice..? Will she help? Look to the left, open my mouth, nah, it isn't worth taking a chance. Oh. That's it? Class is done? What did I learn? Excuse me. I'm sorry. Watch out, that's my foot. Out the door. What's next? The crowds. They flow. I'll follow. Up the hill, over the bridge, enter inside, food. Chaos. Lots and lots of chairs. What is here? Wow. That's a long line. I'll go for the short one. Yum. Pizza. Had that yesterday. Oh hey. I know him. I think. Maybe not. Probably someone similar. Oh. Know her. Definitely. But what's her name? Too many faces. Can't remember. Back in line. Swipe my card. Where to sit? I'll go for the window. So I can see outside. Crowds. Chaos. Swively chair. Cool. This guy smells. What is he looking at? I'll face the other way. Oh great. Those girls were in my class. Probably think I'm lame. Guess I'll pull out my phone. Facebook? Checked. Instagram? Checked. Twitter? Checked. Messages? None. Guess I'll check out my photos. Cool. Maybe I should just eat. Hiii! I remember you. I met you at church. No, I'm fine. I'm almost done anyways. Nice seeing you. Bye. Okay, I'm done. Where's the trash? Is this disposable? Oh well. Oh look. It's raining. Yay. Out the door. Shoes slip. Hair soaking. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Watch out there's a puddle. Almost to my dorm. Oh wait. Forgot about my meeting. Back around. In the rain. Inside now. Good. Up the elevator, down the hall. Hi. Hello. How's it going? Cool. Let's get started. All I hear are noises smushed together. Talking. More talking. Judgy eyes. Quick notes. Talking again. My turn? Cool. Here's what I think. Heads nod. Lips tighten. Moving on. Finally, it's over. Back to the elevator. Back to the rain. Almost home. So close to my bed. Definitely going to take a nap. Hi. Awkward smile and a wave of my hand. Scramble through my bag. There are my keys. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Watch out for the head. Didn't see you there. Open the door. Oh hi. More talking. And talking. Just a chance for one breath. I'm gonna take a nap. I don't care. Wow. It's late. Probably need to eat. Grab a rain jacket. Can't forget my bag. Bye. Oh look, a text. Can you meet up? Alright. In the dining hall? Cool. On my way now. No more rain. Guess the jacket is pointless. Hey. How's it going? Cool. Down the hill. Cross the street. Up the stairs. Heyy. Swipe my card. Oh that looks good. I'll get that. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Watch out, that's hot. Can't forget a drink. Where are you sitting? Cool. Wow. It's so loud. But the food is good. Oh, she looks familiar. And she knows him, too? Cool. Finish eating, with talking in between. Out the door together. More talking. Alright, nice seeing you. Bye. Back to the dorm. Oh wait. My homework. Can't forget that. Guess I'm headed to the library. Wow. Lots of people. Up the hill. Up the stairs again. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Watch out for that step. Heavy door. Lots of desks, but they're full. I'll check the next floor. Computers. That's what I need. Occupied. Occupied. Occupied. Occupied. Look, that one's empty. Finally. Sit down. Lean back in my seat. No one behind me. No one to be seen. Log in. Search the web. Find my pen in my bag. Close my eyes. Breathe. Try my best to work. But I'm busy. Not around, but inside. My body is buzzing. It's calling to write. I pull out my notebook. No questions are asked. I open it in silence. Pause. Grab my pen. Let it touch the paper. Moving in motion to the thoughts inside. Not able to come out of my mouth. Not able to be acted out. But the words are formed as my mind releases: the chaos, the crowds, the people, the students, the teachers, the talking, the rain, the eating, the rustling, the walking. Excuse me. I'm not sorry. I'm in my own world now. But only as long as the pen touches the paper. Once it leaves, I'm in the mess again. No silence. No time for thoughts. No time for tears. No time to scream. No clear space. I'm in the world. This chaotic world. That I share with many others. This world, that isn't mine. That doesn't leave me be. I try to walk far enough to escape. But it is like a circle. Never ending. Always running in to more talking, and people, and excuse me's. Can't I just walk out of the circle? Go straight for the center. Where the grass is untouched. Where the butterflies sit because there is no rustling. Where there is no sidewalk to use. No computer to work on. No one to talk to. Just for a minute. That is all I want. To get out of this constant spinning, and just sit. Think. Cry. No one is staring. No one is passing by. No random hi's. Nothing. The only way I'm seeing this untouched grass is on this next bit of untouched paper. But as I write, it is touched. Look. I did it again. And there is no erasing. My scribbly writing crams together. The words are speaking loudly. They have joined the circle. How does it end? The only way to live in the untouched grass and exist in the untouched paper is to

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