I am just that one used for fun. Never serious. Just a game. I am not the most wanted player. I am wanted when others get bored. When they need a good laugh. They think I don’t feel. My family thinks I don’t have a heart. I wish I didn’t have a heart, I wish I didn’t feel. Feelings can always begin good. All warm and fuzzy. But they always take that dark twist. Either from jealousy or self-hate. 

I don’t want to hurt anybody else. I don’t want to ruin them too. I ruin everyone. My love is like poison. I only ends up ruining whatever it gets into. It may be subtle and take some time. Or it may be quick and deadly. Either way they end in the same result.

So in conclusion I just figured out that this “game” I get to play in is the best option. No one has lasting feelings. No one cares when the game ends. They forget and move on. They don’t look back every day, hour, minute just to relive a moment over and over until all that comes when it is remembered is pain and what could have been. No, no one does this. No one that matters anyways. No one but me. No one but me.

Loner is now a word that feel like a home to me. I won’t ruin or hurt anyone else this way. I will horde the pain all to myself. It’s all mine. I deserve it. I deserve nothing. I deserve nothing good. Pain. Pain, pain. Thats all I will ever get.

Today I saw a photo of him. He looks so happy. He doesn’t know the pain he put me through. He will never know. He can never know. He doesn’t need to think about me. I am happy that he is happy. 

Never let anyone in. Don’t. Never. Ever. Your are a monster, beast. I, torturer of the heart. I’m the killer of the good. I am the pulse for the pain. Without me, all would be good. All would be right. Everyone would never hurt like I do.

Leave love to them. Love is all for them. Merry Christmas. They deserve it. They earned it. They are good. They are true. They don’t fake there smiles and innocence. You deserve nothing. You deserve pain. 

Have a great time with your love I pray. I leave it all to you. Just promise me one thing please. Never take it for-granted. When you can give it freely and pain come to no one, don’t ever waste that. Not all are so luck to have the ability to do that. Just a select few. Be the pulse of good. Be the beat of happiness. Be the life of love.