Ama, I think of you everywhere I go.
I feel you in everything I am.
Recuerdo tus manos morenas(I remember your brown hands),
Hardened by the years of field labor and hours in the sun.
Still they were the softest hands I’ve ever held.
Mi mamacita tú fuiste mi mundo(My mother, you were my world).
I take a look at all your secret messages you would write to me.
I see the misspelling stemming from a 3rd grade education.
How you dreamed of going to school!
Instead you sacrificed everything to see me succeed.
I could never thank you enough.
If only I had been given the chance to try.
I think back and I wish I could have documented your life better,
Maybe a couple more videos or even some photos.
When my papi(father) talks about you,
I imagine you were an angel sent to us by GOD.
I wonder what you were like as a teenager.
Was your life hard?
I wish I could have known you then.
Simply to hold your hand and say, “fuera dolor!”(out with the pain!)
Just how you used to tell me late at night.
If I become half the woman you are that would be the greatest gift in life.
But nothing is promised in this life.
Sometimes I feel as though I cannot contain myself any longer.
When I lay in the dark, I feel as though my sorrow will consume me,
But in the dead of night I hear you say,
“Calmese Dona Livier”(calm down ms. livier)
& I drift off to sleep.
Sometimes I forget that I am half of you,
You were like a seed.
No matter how many times life buried you,
So, I tattoo flowers on my ribs
In the hopes that their roots will grow
To all the different parts of my body and soul;
And keep me grounded to this world.
But how do I stay when my home is with the stars in the sky?
Yesterday I saw your face clearly in my dreams,
I awoke with a start,
I was afraid.
Of what, I don’t know?
Maybe, it is because I have found an answer to my question.
A question that you have answered for me many times.
What will I do when you die?
Because life doesn’t stop for anybody.
It drags you out of bed,
Paints a smile on your face,
& you sit there praying that you look alive.
I bargained with God while you laid in that hospital bed.
Placed the virgencita(virgin mary) on your pillow.
Begged him to take me instead.
I sang our song,
“Como quieres que te quiera si tu nunca me has querido.”(how do you want me to love you if you have never loved me?)
But this GOD that you taught me to believe in FAILED.
He failed me.
But most importantly he failed you.
But they do say GOD only takes the best.
On that last day in the hospital I felt a numbing through my body.
Every beep of the machine,
Every ragged breath,
Built the desperation inside me.
Promised you that it’d be you and I ‘till the end,
& when you took your last breath
It felt like I no longer knew LOVE.
With your last breath you took my heart & it’s never been the same.
If I had been given the chance to say one last thing to you
It would be that I love you.