I felt the best way to talk about myself and why I don’t let (it) myself out is to relay the thoughts that go through my head in a single day:

 

How I remain mostly quiet and intensely debate with myself over everything,

I would begin by saying I am a reserved person and this is true sometimes ,

But when I am with my friends I feel free to say whatever I want.

And this is not uncommon, but I have a charisma that spills over into many of my silent moments

pervading the atmosphere like a strongly scented perfume that is overwhelming but not unpleasant

where I allow the unpenetrated silence to speak volumes.

Alot of times I would agree that I am too quiet, but then depending on the day, I will refute this

I would say that I am funny, but this is because the truth is intrinsically funny and wit is the best way to reveal the hidden humor of this character truth.

 

I open my eyes and find myself standing at my locker.

I can’t even remember waking up this morning.

And I couldn’t tell you how I got here right now.

Regardless, my homework is done and I resolve to go to class.

I open my locker.

It is pristine; the way I like it.

People walk by and chatter.

It makes no sense.

But I treat it as background to the music playing in my head.

My song is on and I am killing it.

I reign my voice in because I am surrounded by people

But I still go for it.

When all my books are stacked I go to class.

People pass by me in a blur and a hand on my shoulder stills me.

I turn and it is my friend.

She asks me a question.

I smile.

She always makes me calm.

After answering her question, I walk away and continue singing as I wonder what it would have been like if I had been able to go.

I go to class.

I sit and listen as someone plays the piano as the track in my mind switches.

I hum as I recall the falsetto, and wave my hands

Like I am at church and I just heard a good sermon.

The bell rings and I space out only to come back and hear a prayer.

How did fifteen minutes pass already?

It feels like I just walked in.

The teacher talks and I politely listen but commentate in my head.

How does he go around without people calling him Shaggy.

Literally give him a huge talking brown dog and he is him

But he shouldn’t be mad though

Shaggy’s my kind of guy

He’s always got the snacks

Some things slip out

Everyone starts laughing

What’s so funny?

I guess I missed it.

I always miss it.

I mess with my hair.

I am conflicted.

How should I feel about it?

I don’t know.

I am self-conscious

I don’t want to be another statistic

I want to be proud of who I am and where I come from

That lady with the largest afro in the world is so cool

But that’s a lot of hair to take care of.

Still, I would like to run my fingers through it

Is there really any good thing that comes without sacrifice

For everything you have you must give something up in exchange.

It is as if every blessing comes with a curse

But sometimes the blessing is so great you forget the curse is even there

Sometimes good has that power

(Good/Love) It has the power to completely eradicate plagues of the spirit

I look at my fingernails

I like them long but I can’t get them to grow to the same length

My fingers look really pretty at certain angles

Am I the only one who feels a little better when they pay someone else a compliment

It is liberating not having to worry about who I give a compliment because I know who I am and I don’t care what other people may think

Love is amazing

It gets down deep within a person and heals a person completely

I always think about Hosea and his sacrifice for his wife.

I want a man like that, but I would hope that I treat him right

Love is precious

But it is the number one limited resource

But it is something that we all desire

I always find it interesting to think that we are one as a human race

We share the same air, the same home, the same emotions, the same anatomy

And we need each other to literally survive

If it were not for two people coming together we would not survive as a human race

My friend waves her hand in front of my face

She points to my untouched tray

I forgot we were at lunch.

I shovel food into my mouth during the last ten minutes of the period

My friends and I are joking and there is a swell of laughter around me as other people talk with their friends as well

The ebb and flow of quiet is as intriguing to me as the lapping of ocean water on a beach

It is peaceful enough to calm any wave of emotion in me

I struggle through the material in Physics

I am getting this, slowly but surely

College, Driving, and Pictures

All the pressing matters for a teenager

My friends talk about the colleges they want to go to and are applying to

Why am I so unsure

I am sure everything will work out fine but I won’t be able to rest until I do

I am thrusting myself into so much debt

The bell rings

Life won’t wait

I open the door and with that another day is gone.