Tonight, I considered giving up my dream

Giving up my craft

Choosing not to walk down the path that

I believe God has paved for me

To not follow the footprints in the sand

But instead follow that vacant seashell about to disappear at sea

Drown myself in the uncontrollable waterfall that flowed down my face

I prayed for the calming of the storm

Hoped for a Sermon on the Mount

Where Jesus would treat me as one of his disciples and

Reveal to me the secret that I was supposed to keep

 

Tonight, I considered taking you back

Because your voice flash in front of my brain

The anger that came from the hell and bitterness that

Manifested in my soul from leaving you,

Made its way to the changing of my mood

I couldn’t hold my tongue any longer

I ask to privately speak to you and you decided to cause a scene

When our discussion became hotter, so did our voices

When you lost your temper

That’s when it happened

I saw you in someone else’s body

You weren’t physically right in front of me

But your presence lingered around his aura  

When he spoke down to me as if I was inferior

I saw your Australian face take place of his Black skin

The yelling continued and I froze up

A block of ice

Paralyzed by a distance fear of past times

 

Tonight, I found my trigger

That button that I didn’t know existed

Made me question my motives and actions

Made me question my purpose

Because for the last two years, I was sure of it

But when I saw your face,

The face of that masquerading Romeo

That I had once loved

When I was so young and naïve

The face I stared into when it inflicted pain upon my skin

The face of Lucifer himself

Manifested in an unlikely moment in time

Made me unsure of everything

Were you right?

Were you right when you said that I would never be able to escape?

That you would haunt me?

These memories are on instant replay

All because that one button came to life

The trigger

 

 

Tonight, I couldn’t sleep

Because for the first time in months

You invaded my dreams

With a lullaby of deception

A kiss that reminded me that I would rather ask for

Death

Before I would have you try and take the intimacy  that

Nests in my heart and lies between my legs

That I chose to no longer share

Rewound  the muscle you once caused not to beat

Blind  the eyes of a bold dreamer starting to finally see

Have your hands become the Alpha  and my body your tree

Where you tattoo  your marks for everyone to see

Rape my mind of the positive thoughts

No longer on lease

 

Tonight, I felt as though you were no longer 23,000 plus miles away

But standing in front of my again

Insulting my intelligence

Degrading  my appearance

Making me feel inferior to you because I possess the gift of life-giving

Persuading  me to let you put a ring on it

Because when push came to shove,

I would be your punching bag whenever your emotions got out of hand

 

Tonight, I finally realized how hard it is to take your own advice

It seems I can help other people

With the inspiration advice I need to follow myself

I guess that make me the real hypocrite

For some reason, it’s easier said than done

Christina on blast

                “If you lift me up and get me through this night”

Praying for the strength to accept the things that I cannot change

But fix the things that I can

To wake up with an unbroken heart

Look in the mirror and see

My reflection show my Bright Smile

And to never let me go another night

Where I consider giving up on the women who look to me

For inspiration and count on me

But most importantly….

 

My Dream.