Thoughts

Location

Whenever I watch a movie
That moves me
I make a promise to myself
To be better for them
As if
A person who doesn’t even know
I exist
Would appreciate me
Bettering myself
But
At least it inspires me
In that moment
Although it never lasts and
It’s really selfish because
I’m using them
For myself
For a promise that isn’t even kept
Almost every time
And I still make it but
No one wants to be used
Especially when in the end it was all for
Naught
But how would they know?
I feel bad
And
I feel bad
When I realize my lack of worth in the world
Because I have no impact on it
It’s scary.
It’s stupid
But I change everyday
And it scares me because I’m so unpredictable
I have really good days where
I get along with people who’ve
Doubted me for the longest time
And what I think is my real self comes out
And I’m shining
And they know it
They see it for
Once
And there’s hope in our eyes
And promises of friendships
Of weekends and the movies
And skipping classes
But it never lasts
And these depthless promises are so empty
And unrealistic
And they know it
They see it
They’re suspicious
And it makes me laugh.
The next day I forget
How I was the day before
Something inside me changes overnight
It prevents me from being
Noticed
And it’s not drastic
But it’s enough
To make people question
Me
Everyday
I can see it in their eyes:
“You’re different”
“Be like
You were yesterday”
And I want to
So bad
And it hurts
Because I want to be seen
And I want to be successful
Even famous
But how do I get there
When I am not even sure where
Or what I am
I’m not mental, but
Maybe I am
Maybe I was misdiagnosed
Maybe everything is a lie
I get these feelings where
All I want to do
Is just shrink away
Wither and drown
To be gulped up by my emotions
That have been compressed and suppressed
Stuffed into the tiniest box for
The longest time
Maybe once I tear the wrapping paper
Maybe then I’ll find out what I am.

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