survival of the fittest

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I wake up hoping today will be different

Hoping I can actually get up

Hoping I can live

Hoping I live

Hoping

Hope... something I lost

Not all at once no

Slowly I lost all hope

Slowly I lost myself

I slowly started to conform to someone else

Slowly, this spiral I've been going down

Slowly I'm reaching the ground I have been falling since middle school

I have been grasping at everything in my path

Trying not to hit the ground

Trying not to fall through

I was a happy kid

I was energetic

But a happy kid does not always have a happy childhood

I have not been as other kids were

I haven't made friends so easily

I've been the outcast for so long

A reminder of what a kid shouldn't be

Family so long and distant

Don't get me wrong they've been there

My brother (autistic)

My mother (depressed)

My father (deployed)

Let's just say I grew up at a young age

No longer is dad gone

No longer is mom sad

But why am I falling?

Why am I spiralling down?

Down to my death?

I feel like this is my last resort

I can't pray the gay away any longer

So death or conformity

These are my last options

Do I rip this sadness away?

Do I rip it away?

I really want to be alive

I want the world to see me for me

Not this hopeless wanderer

Not a cold body at the end of the rope

The only way to get back up is to hit rock bottom

Tomorrow, today, yesterday

Next week, this week, last week

Time is never ending

So why spend this time obsessing

Obsessing over what I need to be

Not tomorrow

Obsessing isn't going to chain me down

I can't pray the gay away

I can't change me

Tonight I will go to sleep knowing

Knowing its different

Knowing I'll get up

Knowing I'll live

My hope?

Still lost

Still gone

But I don't need hope

I have self preservation and will power

I'll be bisexual

I'll be a theatre geek

I'll be a nerd

I'll be that faggot or that stupid fuck

And I'll be proud of it

I'll be me

And maybe one day

The world will be Ok with it

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