survival of the fittest
Location
I wake up hoping today will be different
Hoping I can actually get up
Hoping I can live
Hoping I live
Hoping
Hope... something I lost
Not all at once no
Slowly I lost all hope
Slowly I lost myself
I slowly started to conform to someone else
Slowly, this spiral I've been going down
Slowly I'm reaching the ground I have been falling since middle school
I have been grasping at everything in my path
Trying not to hit the ground
Trying not to fall through
I was a happy kid
I was energetic
But a happy kid does not always have a happy childhood
I have not been as other kids were
I haven't made friends so easily
I've been the outcast for so long
A reminder of what a kid shouldn't be
Family so long and distant
Don't get me wrong they've been there
My brother (autistic)
My mother (depressed)
My father (deployed)
Let's just say I grew up at a young age
No longer is dad gone
No longer is mom sad
But why am I falling?
Why am I spiralling down?
Down to my death?
I feel like this is my last resort
I can't pray the gay away any longer
So death or conformity
These are my last options
Do I rip this sadness away?
Do I rip it away?
I really want to be alive
I want the world to see me for me
Not this hopeless wanderer
Not a cold body at the end of the rope
The only way to get back up is to hit rock bottom
Tomorrow, today, yesterday
Next week, this week, last week
Time is never ending
So why spend this time obsessing
Obsessing over what I need to be
Not tomorrow
Obsessing isn't going to chain me down
I can't pray the gay away
I can't change me
Tonight I will go to sleep knowing
Knowing its different
Knowing I'll get up
Knowing I'll live
My hope?
Still lost
Still gone
But I don't need hope
I have self preservation and will power
I'll be bisexual
I'll be a theatre geek
I'll be a nerd
I'll be that faggot or that stupid fuck
And I'll be proud of it
I'll be me
And maybe one day
The world will be Ok with it