Suddenly

Thu, 05/15/2014 - 15:56 -- Hsmith

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So Suddenly Mama said 

"Get a job, apply for college, be a grown woman"

And I was but a child, still curly-haired and bright -eyed , not yet poisoned by the world.

Always said I'd be a writer, moved out, and traveling

But I am but a meek, small-town baby raised on evangelical hymns and  fathers with guns,

Mothers that put bows in your hair and girls should hush hush, be quiet things

Girls should be fawns.

And so I was a fawn,

But Mama was a lion and she wanted me to be a lion like her.

So I grew teeth and claws and ventured out into a world I didn't know.

No, I was not ready for the toxic lights of nighttime when I came home from waitressing, 

feet heavy and aching like rotted soldier's jungle foot,

Mind racing from what did I forget to study for?

Quiet so not to wake my school-age sisters, the ones that looked to me with the look

of a nation quivered around a brave leader in times of war.

And Daddy was always on the couch, losing sleep to make sure I wasn't murdered in the night,

such is the imagination of worried parents, a flame.

Never could sleep at night, so I choked down sleep aids and fell into a coma every night.

But suddenly, there was freedom

And there was whatever I wanted to buy in front of me

There were boys to date

and things to do

Places to hike

Parties to go to

There were ideas and beliefs that had never been opened up to me before

And my tiny world was bigger somehow.

So I used to believe that growing older was a death sentence,

A trap I tangled my fawn leg in

But it is equal parts hard and soft

Like the ocean, waves flowing in and out

There are sharks and rip tides and hurricanes that kill millions

But it's still beautiful beyond all things.

And so, that is growing up.

So Suddenly.

 

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