An Unsolvable problem
Most every breath was rich with panic and desertion
l i v e d
anxious over everything, next to anyone.
I’d worry incessantly, feeling out of place.
Wrong in every wHichAway.
I was relieved to have the big C
eager to escape my bleak future
A problem you see
I wanted to end,
accept life looked nice once death
was certainly no choice.
a ready remedy to problems.
I was always fodder for my faults & fumbles
I promised the problem
I couldn’t seem to fall in line
or see the point of me being alive
high school + 5
daddy Warbucks death + 2
I was still nothing...
I was supposed to be
I’d missed all my deadlines
& social rites of passage.
I wanted more than to fit in;
a becon for the masses.
Degreed or at least married,
married with child,
or maybe just with child and graduating soon,
or maybe just a fiancee or at least a boyfriend?
A talent perhaps...
No attachments whatsoever, never.
Nothing to define my existence, I wasn’t clever
You’re so pretty, I don’t understand why you’re single
I’m so anxious, Where does one even begin to mingle.
Why won’t you finish school?
I am so god damn anxious
Do you want to be a cna forever?
No, but the panic keeps me
Don’t you want a child
I traded that possibility to survive
Cna to room 5, Please!
Cna, Cna, Cna...
I’ve wanted med school since
Emergency 911 and E.R.
A Doc huh?
Might as well pursue the thrown
Who are you kidding?
I just want to help people.
That’s what you’re supposed to say
They’d tout it was everything but that
They’d say I wanted the money.
I’d recant that I wanted the mind.
They say I want the lifestyle
I insisted on being a lifeline.
I want knowledge.
I want to be one of few who know’s the answer
whom would know just what to do,
maybe for you.
They say I want status
but it’s just a stance
I’m ready to do this dance...
with the odds
my gpa, or what’s left of it.
I’ve cowered but no longer
It hurts too much
a problem solved,
I refuse to believe I am not good enough
scoffs at my dream
just push me harder,
every falter paints the plan farther and farther
the only thing I wanted more
I’ve gotten out of my own way
allowing myself grace and love as an adult
I now know I have power
to make damn near anything happen
bowing to nothing and noone
it’s a fight no one can ignore
years of self deprecating discourse,
I am fighting against it
I will conquer
Now that the problem is