The day I walked by you, I knew what a shame I had puzzled my piece into. Nothing but,"Don't look at me, look the other way" reluctantly ringing in the drums of my ears, echoing back vibrations of guilt, shame, and pitty that Mary herself would not hail with forgivness. God only knows the srength it would take to see your face, unnanounced, and tug its way over to say something as seemingly simple as "Hello" ....awkward pause..... And to pretend to accept the love and excitement in your eyes, so genuine, yet knowing the whole time you gave up the fight years ago. And to stand there when we both know and believe that I won't call or try to find you and reconnect and remind you that at one point you sang me to sleep, and cradled prayers into my dreams. I'll ask how you are and stand there nodding my head, pretending I don't remember the tracks and the treads on your arms that wrapped around me after the first time I had seen my mother in my first five years and yet somehow she wasn't very warm and endearing, instead, she was distant and sickly. And I didn't understand why. Why would my mother be bony and sad and wrinkled with age. You ask me where I'm working and what I'm up to these days, and we'll both ignore the obvious nervous tone in your guilt ridden face. The shame that you carry when I look in your eyes, and you look away. I'll answer the same and attempt a genuine "Thanks for asking, I can tell you really care." look but I can never quite wipe the"You're full of shit" off of my face. We'll look at each other, you want to talk and be friends, while I'm itchinng my way out of this hellish nightmare your drug induced aroma therapy coma selfishly strung you out as it sucked me in. As I continue to smile I'll say good bye. You'll reach for a real hug and I'll present my side. As I'm walking away something inside you says maybe, just maybe one more time it's worth a shot, even if it is a dying fight."You know, you can call me or come by" and I'll turn and fake smile, "Maybe....sometime..." ....awkaward silence... And you'll have a twinge in your eye, your heart flutters then dies because we both know how this conversation would go if I actually came up to you and said hi.