Return to Sender

I don't know why I keep writing to you
Like I'm sending letters to someone in prison
-
As if you were the one who's been trapped
Ever since that day
-
They say that justice brings peace,
I say there's no hope for justice.
I don't even know who you are.
-
They say, then I must bring myself peace
I hold my tongue,
And try not to think in All or Nothing
-
I hate writing to you
I hate thinking about you
I hate trying to remember your face,
I hate that I can't stop
Can't stop
Can't stop
-
Writing down every tiny detail,
Trying to collect evidence
Can't stop hoping
For justice,
Somehow
-
Or for peace
-
I hate that you're the only one I can talk to about it
But you're the one who was already there,
The only one I won't be
Wounding
By speaking of it
By failing to hide the ugliest parts
-
I hate that I know that to hurt me,
Something was broken in you
And that maybe I'm the luckier of the two of us
-
I hate that I haven't been able to hate you
The way I've hated myself
-
And I'm afraid
That you'll have more of my forgiveness
Than I ever will
-
And I know how stupid that is
Like hoping that the truth will bring me closure
-
For all I know, you'll read these someday
-
The thing I hate the most
Is that I'm so desperate
To know the truth
To know who you are
To know who you aren't
-
That even after all you've done,
I want to beg you
To reveal yourself to me.
I would leverage my forgiveness for it
Trade peace for peace,
-
As if you still hold the key to my cell
-
Maybe that's what they mean about letting go.

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