I don’t know what to do everytime I see you

I want to be good

I want to be true

It’s hard for me to breath…

and it’s not just because of my asthma.

 

Your name is Hope which I find ironic because before I met you…

I had no hope.

I don’t want to move to fast.

Slow down

Slow down

It’s getting tougher out there.

Slow down

Breath out.

 

Is it normal to feel this way?

Is this that little 4 letter word I’ve always wanted so badly?

 

I yearned for love for many years, so I begun to chase boys

..And girls..I chased girls as well.

Gender and sexuality has no place here in the hearth of my core.

All I yearned for is love, the earthly shell that contains the love doesn't matter.

 

After chasing for years thinking I was ready to love.

Now that I just might have it...I’m afraid of it.

 

I asked you what you liked about me and without hesitation you begun to list tens and hundreds and thousands of descriptors. Stuff I never even noticed about myself such as the way i walk, the way I maintain eye contact with you and my personal favorite, the way my eyes “show soul and emotion.”

 

Sitting with you in my lap I told you I wasn’t like any other girl

I didn’t care about sex

I didn’t care about how large your chest was or if you shaved down there or not.

I cared about you.

 

We didn’t need to talk, just endearing gazes into those lovely blue eyes of yours and we both knew everything was going to be alright.

Communication wasn’t just for our mouths but for our bodies.

Clothes on or off we’d find ways to communicate.

Exploring one another physically, emotionally and mentally you’ve left me raw and uncensored.

 

We didn’t even need sex. It was never sex.

It was just being naked together with you,

Head to chest

Heart to heart,

You left me rather raw like fresh meat.

My emotions bare, vulnerable and exposed…

You knew that, you knew what you did to me

 

And yet…

 

You never took advantage of me.

 

I remember the first time I was under the influence and got molested by a teenage boy who was years younger than me.

You didn’t ask who he was. You didn’t ask how I knew him. You didn’t ask if I talked to the police

In Fact you never asked anything.

All you did was listen…

You listened.

 

I remember on our first date you told me you had OCD and you lived in a shelter

I’ll be honest in saying I didn’t bat an eye.

Throughout all of this time together i’ve learned many things about you. I’ve gotten used to not going to grocery stores with you because of your fear of getting lost.

I’ve gotten use to midnight meltdowns because your OCD is acting up tonight.

Touch the lightswitch 3 times.

Up down

Up down

Up down

 

Hug me three times repetitively because you already did it once.

Re-read the same word over and over fast until it sounds right.

Remind you to take your hearing aid out every night.

I’m used to this because this is you. I can’t fix you.

Besides..what is there to fix about you anyways?

 

A healthy relationship is one where you accept one another for our flaws.

A healthy relationship is one where we are both on common ground on most things.

A healthy relationship is one where we both know we aren't perfect but we love to think our significant other is.

A healthy relationship is where we don’t want to fix each other because we don’t think there's anything that needs to be fixed.

A healthy relationship is where communication is a big key factor and we value it as a top priority.

A healthy relationship is where we know about each others pasts and we don’t ask questions, we wait until the other is ready to speak about it.

A healthy relationship is where at the end of the day we meet up to talk about our days.

A healthy relationship is where our home is never a place for violence

A healthy relationship is where your OCD and my distorted self image can disappear.

…. even for a moment just because we are emotionally and physically together, holding each others hand in peace, love and happiness.