Numb

Numb, I try to get up but I sit blank.
Can’t blink so I pinch myself, -“ok I’m awake.”
It’s crazy, -sober or not I was wired to hallucinate.
Shake it off like it’s just from bein up so late.
Ever watch a hole in the wall grow wings n fly away?
It’s really strange..
Hard to act normal; That stuff don’t just go away.
Anger rushes so I'd try to medicate..
I even tried meditate;
I do good things but I’m no saint.
Done wrong n from that began to elevate.
Damaged, hard to hold a job, -can’t remember a date.
Anxiety so bad now my heart don’t wana circulate.
Another stalemate..
Stress so toxic it rots my brain; It’s already hard to concentrate.
*sigh*
My soul is exhausted, I need a break.
I can’t process an..........great.
Did it again.- Cant keep my head on straight.
Used to being this way. I know I’m insane.Gotta wear a mask in public, -learn what not to say.
I feel like a colour that’s forced to act grey.
Sometimes I pretend everyone lost it n I’m the one okay.
Been slipping as of ...wait, what’s today?
Man, I can’t keep this lie on my face.
I hate being alone but I’ve been surrounded by snakes.
Disgusted this worlds become so truely fake.
Masses who only know how to hate, tear people down about past mistakes.
“Bet it’s from drugs, you see who associates?”
Don’t see me cause I work, -do what it takes.
Each morning feels like added weight.
Suffocate like I’m on stage.. really i'm just watching things fade.
My bones crack cause I’m too stubborn to break.
Fighting depression even before the day.
I went to leap my truck, -didn’t think to hesitate.
I was just broken. My heart was in pain..
Rpms roaring I flicked the heat to main,
“Die comfortably” I thought, no such restrain.
Metal to metal, screaming seconds away.
Eyes caught homework to soul bearing name.
“EMBER RAE!!”
Screamed till I bled as I stood on the breaks..“Thought I told her to put this away!!!”
Mad cause I couldn’t run from fate when really
I was just embarrassed, made a mistake.
Tires touched the edge of a nasty mental state.
No one gets me. How can I communicate?
My book is open but no one reads anyway.
You’d have to be dead to try to relate..
I fell asleep on google  “how many pills does it take...”
Day dream about sinking my car in that lake..
Watch as I pass it n you’ll still see my hands shake.
Is it normal to cry every time you lye awake?
Fight my demons to teach others how to be okay.
This is my reality, I wouldn’t exaggerate.
Too much been dished onto my only plate..
Days I wana vanish, gone with no trace.
But I don’t wana die alone here..
especially with nothing to show for what I’ve faced.So here I am, going to college again.Trying to inspire those who feel they have nothing to gain.We all have it in us, we all have our days.Just remember nothing worth having is easily made.

 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family
My community

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