No Shame

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I have a disease. 
I've had it all my life. 
I never had symptoms until age 13. 
I didn't want to deal with it so I ignored it until I was 15. 
I knew I could no longer avoid it. 
It was there and wasn't ever going away. 
I was gay. 
That was it I'd never make it. 
I'd be looked at different and I'd be hated, by the ones who've known me since birth. 
I want to be the real me but I'm scared to set myself free. 
My life will change, 
I'll be shoved to the side and shot dirty looks by all those hurtful eyes, 
all because I'm not lying anymore saying, "I like guys" 
Even my own dad can look me in the face and say "You're going to hell. Why can't you go back to being your old self?" 
My old self was nothing but cuts and scars. 
That little smile was something I hid behind, now lets take a journey into my past mind... 
The feeling, 
the cold sharp blade ripping open the skin, allowing the emotions to spill out. 
The warm feeling runs throughout my body and sets me free. 
The urge, the control, the secret, it all give me a rush. 
It reminds me that I'm still here. 
It was my escape. 
My secret. 
They took it. 
They took away the only thing that kept me from going insane. 
How will I know if I'm still here? 
I need the pain. 
No one can take the time to take it's place but they can rip it out of my hands and leave me sitting there alone while they feel like they've done something right, just because I put down the knife. 
Now they can turn around and close their eyes but the pain is still cutting me inside. 
And now I have society on my right trying to convince me that I have a disease. So I turn to my left for that unconditional love, I've been taught to be sure, when the whole time my family's the one searching for a cure. 
Well now it's time to take a step back, stare you all in the face and say screw your cure! I will NOT be ashamed to say I love HER.....  

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