My Heart’s Villain

 

One of secrets I am

 

Like a mole, my numerous chambers

Are elusive to you

like still water

My current runs deep

For I shall not so easily bestow upon you

The very key to my closet of deceits, flaws and utter disgraces

Infantile steps at first my mind told me

For first love is not easily eroded from memory

But it took you mere moments to evade

My subconscious which I presumed was well guarded after years of adolescent maltreatment

You broke down every wall and slayed every beast on post

But why take that all away when you knew you would leave me in desperate search for a wall builder and beast of fire & claw

You knew

First memories were a charm nothing but persistent adoration for my prince charming

You were exactly that to me…so why change the script and play the role of villain  

My first thoughts in the morning were of you

As if you were the sunrise

Last thoughts were you as well-sunset

The alpha of my emotions -the owner

The very second I granted you the complete welcome into my trust

You spat on it, chewed it up and spat on it

However by now I was already enslaved

Your words and promises my whip – kept me in check, in line and in order

On call was I

I had never known such powerful emotion as when I fell for you

You let me bring I love you into this! And I had learned prior to you

Don’t fall easy! Not even daddies stick around

I didn’t want you to be my dad! I wanted a best friend!

I thought I found that in you! You said I love you, too.+

Do you not realize or even remember how many times I let the gates open wide to my heart I let you in because you were the first person I actually trusted with all my secrets- you abused that trust

I understand celibacy was not easy for you I wanted you more than that … sex is below the level of love I wanted to experience you –thank you for respecting my virginity

That you didn’t ruin  and I thank God for that because the wreck that has been me for the past months would have ceased to exist

The emotions of you being able to move on while  still stringing me along  like a fish on a hook was enough to unhinge my heart from my arteries and cease to beat

Multiple times you relinquished me from position of Ms. J. Harris, you think I would give up .. I wish I had for all the tears and gut wrenching pain involved in the end of the relationship surpass the loving memories I wish lasted forever

I don’t know what your agenda consisted of but mine involved you.

So every time you dubbed me yours again I hastily adhered

Being in your arms was the only drug I had ever been addicted to

As you laid your head to my foliage and could hear my heart beat- could you not hear or did you not understand what my heart was telling you I love you!

Your lips to mine wrote the most intimate poem and inscribed it into my heart

The heart does not listen to the mind the heart is an immature volatile creature of impulse

She must be trained

But oh, my darling foolish heart was not yet cultured in the ways of men, to see past your façade

Easily she welcomed you into my midst

Your voice, soft touch and smile

Dissipated the knees of my heart

Your smile was my smile

I swear to you

You had me

But oh this whimsical heart of mine

Did not permit me vision

To the fact that for you it was

Not the same

Darling, to you I gave nearly me in total

Mmm

Why did you take down my defenses again?

On account of you I know how it feels to be in fetal position

Weak, vulnerable and tearing up from the very inside of my being

that kind of crying torments the will

the will to look forward

you left me in a stupor of emotions

I received no closure from thee

Why me?

As I recall your tears and sadness fell on my shoulders and my heart

But you did not leave easy !

You let me consider me as at fault!

I begged for answers

Came at you bare-skinned and despairing

I just needed answers…

Oh, But you would not relinquish me so easy

Nor did I relinquish you so easy

The mind is right first love does not easily disperse from memory

I spent nights killing my self

Thinking of you

But as you told me, you easily put memories aside of me

I tried moving on just as easily as you had

But that is not possible

Thought of you soon killed

My new spark

And on once again there I was …weak and stumbling over my own feet

Ahh..  Who am I to say you should be woeful

Go along forget about me

For the passions of love and defeat

Continue to consume me

But know this they will rejuvenate me

I will not forget you the

wounds you  bestowed upon me become scars  unforgettable memories

murder is what you committed

but the pain I feel is not from the slashes of your blade

but from  being so close

I gave you me!

 Murder is death and death is not forever

It is a new start

My dearest villain don’t give back what you took

I am establishing new and better elements