This is me

Non existent

During a period of nine months a child develops the characteristics of a human body inside its mother’s womb and at the end its given birth and welcomed into the world.Alive.. The child will later take control and try to make an impact in society..But as we all know the world has its measures of good qualities but also negative ones too. Sometimes the obstacles and challenges life throws at us becomes too much to bear to the point that same child ,who was given the gift of life, wants to be inactive and non existent.

Since I was little I always loved school. I loved the idea of leaving home for the majority of the day to learn new ideas and concepts to later go home and show my parents how to count to 10 without using my fingers. I was able to meet new people and have a bestfriend who I could tell stories under the big oak tree during recess or make a macaroni necklace for mother’s day or have the whole class sing me various versions of “happy birthday” while wearing the classroom’s birthday crown. I always got excited when transitioning to the next grade but shunned those who stayed behind. But the feeling of wanting to go to school and seeing people all changed during my middle school years and worsened my junior year or high school. Through middle school I was bullied and made fun of for reasons I still don’t know. Yes I could be loud and a little bit annoying at times but nothing I did qualified me to get laughed at because I had extremely short hair or because I would be the darkest person in a group picture. My self-confidence was at an all time low by my junior year until a boy who seemed to care about me gave me a little boost. He always knew exactly what to say and understood what I’m feeling inside. I got so extremely closed to him that I gave him the greatest present a girl could give a guy. But then things changed, he changed, he wasn't the sweet guy I thought I knew and he left me along the sideline to rot in my own humiliation and disgust. He never returned and took my virginity and self-respect with him. I felt helpless. Word of what happened spread across the school. Facebook and Twitter were filled with obscure comments. I felt surrounded. I became those words and wore them as if the words combined became my daily outfit. I felt ashamed. He didn't even care of the pain I was enduring and said that I was obsessive and explained the only reason he had sex with me was because he “always wanted to sleep with a black girl”. I couldn't take it anymore and on November 23,2012 I attempted suicide and overdosed on multiple pills.

                         Diagnosed with depression, I spent a week in the hospital. I came out with not care in the world about what people thought of me, especially boys. "I had no self-respect and revealed my body to those who asked for a peek. I went on a displinary rampage breaking the law every chance I had. I was temporally suspended from my extracurricular activities because of my behavior and also had my share of ISS". Things got worse instead of better leading up to my senior year. I dishonored the people that cared for me.Nowhere to turn and no one to turn to the feeling of guilt overwhelmed me. I then ,again, attempted suicide August 16,2013 where I was pronounced dead but somehow survived. The pain of seeing your first child in ICU ate away at my mother's heart. I realized my actions also affected those who see you in pain and feel helpless. Five more days in the hospital and a couple days in a suicide facility, and ten days of disciplinary school were the result of my actions. With all that bring said I am now diagnosed with moderate depression and impulse disorder. But I have found a new strength in my inner self and came to realize two things: This is only the beginning. God doesn't want me yet. Recovering from a mental disorder is not something that could be changed overnight. Being diagnosed with depression and impulse disorder changed my viewpoint in life. I appreciate my life more and I was able to hear stories from my support group, nurses, hospital techs, and teachers that they also have gone through similar paths, some even worse. There are many factors that need to be taken into actions to die down the burning fire of sorrow in one's frozen heart.  I believe that in order for me to change I need to become stronger both emotionally and mentally. I attend weekly one-on-one therapy with a designated therapist who works on with me on ways cope with my self-hurt and controlling my thoughts.  But even though I have a good support system such as my therapist, family, and friends the most helpful thing that has gotten me through the tough time is the LORD.

There is no medicine in the world that can heal me unlike his healing power. My my faith has opened my eyes beyond the struggles and temptations of the world and in return I have found peace in myself. Reading the bible every day and daily devotionals gives me a confidence booster that is hard to be broken. I have a duty in the world to live out the life God has set before me. Strengthening my relationship with Christ changed me into the young women I am today. Even though things may be hard, and at times there will be setbacks but with the help of therapy, God, and surrounding myself with loved ones I’m sure I'll be okay.

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