Light

When I shower, I turn the lights off.

Even though my eyes are already accustomed to the darkness I see in myself.

I turn the lights off so I can hide myself from God because

Even though God makes no mistakes I think to myself

I am his first

 

In the darkness my demons can see me ever more clearly

Move ever so swiftly

They ridicule me

What they fail to realize, however

Is that they are at my beck and call.

 

When I shower I turn the lights off so I don’t have to see my own naked body.

And when my friends ask if I’m having sex with my boyfriend

I remember that when I shower I turn the lights off.

 

In this dark oasis

The warm water cascades down my back as I kneel in mock prayer

Hoping that no one else feels this way

Because my everyday is wishing that I didn’t feel this shame that clings to me

This static electricity attracts whispers of pity and mockery that no one thinks I know about.

 

However I could be putting insults in other people’s mouths because

When I shower I turn the lights off

And my own taunts caress my extra sixty pounds of flesh and

Brand themselves themselves on my back

So that others know what to call me.

 

And as my confidence fades

So does my light

Because now I keep the lights off even when I’m clothed

Because when I shower I turn the lights off and

I cannot wash off the filth that weighs down my soul.

 

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741