lets hope no one finds this
i cry and i get nostalgic
scrolling through old facebook photos
each click opens an old wound
every comment
a shatter of the heart
because i miss the girl i used to be.
Long hair and a smile
and even though I was depressed
I was innocent.
The world had not yet left it’s marks underneath my eyes.
and i miss my friends.
i miss the people we used to be.
irreproachable and young
taking stupid photos that makes our future selves cringe.
wearing rubber bracelets and dying our hair at home
we glued beads and the spirals from notebooks to our lips
trying to fake the piercings our parents would never let us get.
i cry and get nostalgic
for the people
we used to be.
it’s like looking upon a house full of ghosts.
i wonder
if i’d finally have enough courage to become one of them
if today is finally the day
to walk outside
and let the rain
fill up my lungs
and the thunder
carry me away;
My brother once told me
not to shower during a thunderstorm
because the electricity could travel through the shower head
and kill me.
So I take a bath.
I let the faucet drip, drip, d r i p.
and hope that this old wives tale is not just fantasy.
i repent
ever letting my friends
turn into their demons
and their parents demons
and become nothing more but the statistic of teenagers that become addicted to prescription pills and cigarettes
i repent
ever letting myself become any part of the statistic
of women who are sexually assaulted in america each year
and they tell me not to blame myself
but how can i not
when i led myself astray
from
irreproachable and young
from
dreams and laughter
from
good values and morals
how
could i ever forgive myself?
so i repent,
i cry
and i get nostalgic
i mourn
i grieve
but I never go back.