The last glance is always the heaviest. Even though you'd stared at the concrete front steps thousands of times as you stepped your feet up them one, two, three. Even though your eyes had scanned all four walls of the kitchen every morning while you waited for your toast. Even though you'd examined the grooves in the trunk of the avocado tree in the backyard all those times when it was your hideout.

You've looked at the floor boards and the heating vents and the cieling lights and the window sills so many times that they're carved into the lumpy matter of your brain.

But the last things you saw when your car full of suitcases and boxes drove away for the last time were the green and blue and black trashbins lined up outside. And out of all the trillions of glances and stares and gazes that you glanced and stared and gazed, that one is the most important.

It's your last goodbye, and everyone knows "goodbye" is more important than "hello". Just like every "I love you" is the most important until you see eachother again and then it doesn't matter.

And just because you forgot to say it that one time... even though you'd said it so many times before - when you went to sleep and woke up and waved goodbye from the school bus window - just because you didn't say it that one time, none of the other times count. Instead, you'd said, "remember to feed the goldfish" and now "remember to feed the goldfish" are the heaviest words even though they should have been so light that they'd float high up and disappear into the clouds and you'd forget you'd ever said them.

But now they're playing over and over in your head.

Remember to feed the goldfish

Remember to feed the goldfish

Remember, Remember, Remember, REMEMBER

And suddenly you can't stand the goldfish and you can't stand feeding it so you flush it down the toilet in the strange new house and whirling down the toilet is the last moment of the goldfish's life.

When you whirl away into darkness will it be the biggest moment of your life? Will it become that last glance that plays over and over and erases everything?

No. It can't. Because... because you've decided that the army of endings and goodbyes and deaths has held power for too long and something must be done about it. You're gonna make all of those little in-between moments big and bright and powerful and when the end comes... it'll find itself outnumbered.

It'll be so tiny and weightless in comparison that it just floats way high up, into the clouds.