My mind is a Kaleidoscope of memories that I wish I could burn

But some moments are fireproof

And maybe it helps to see the world through rainbow glasses

Or maybe it’s a curse

And maybe I loved you

And that’s why it still hurts

But I am a survivor

And surviving is all I ever knew

And I have learned a lot too

Like how there’s no use crying over lost youth

Or the perceived notion of getting older

And I know you’re always holding on to the person you used to be

Or the person who knew me

And the youth in your cheekbones

Which is why it’s so ironic that my youth is the reason you could never really love me

As if every-time you looked at me,

You saw a part of yourself dying

And you couldn’t live with that thought

So you chose to kill a part of me instead

And I suppose I get it.

Though that doesn’t make it right

And you were wrong about so many things

But there was once you were right,

I am young

I am still young enough to learn,

To discover out who I am or who I will be

Without your arms around me

And you know my first time at an lgbt rally was as a tourist

But somehow I became the attraction

In the churning of turbulent time

Though I still can’t bare to call myself attractive

Which is such a cliche, I know.

But I always knew I was too askew to be confined in a straight line

It just took a long time to give it a name

But what is a name anyway?

Beyond a promise to yourself not to let it die.

Which is why you never gave a name to everything we once were

Because we both knew you intended to let it die.

And I can’t look back on a time that I loved you without feeling sad.

Without drowning on a cocktail of loss that I pured for myself with a shot of pure anger

But love is such a fickle idea

And I’m not sure who’s idea it was anyway

But I’m trying my best to understand them

To just understand

And I told myself I wouldn’t fall in love with you but it’s funny how we lie to ourselves like that.

So here I am now

After so many months and

the Kaleidoscope memories still

illuminate the Minotaur walking the labyrinth of my mind

And I just wish you were here

As if you’d be brave enough to help me

Or strong enough to save me

But the truth is

You weren’t even brave enough to let me go

You weren’t even strong enough to tell me the truth

And all I ever really asked from you

Was the truth

So don’t tell me you acted in my best interest

When we all know my best interest was you.

And like a Kaleidoscope

I am a broken mosaic

Of all the pieces of myself I killed to live for you

When I should have been living for myself.

But I’m not worried

These memories

These dark colorful memories of you

Will only glow when the sun shines through them.

And I suppose that’s why I always loved the dark.