I swallow the pills,
I chase them with the vodka given to me on my birthday 5 months ago.
The tears stop
Everything slows down
My heart begins to slow down
The darkness is coming for me and I am ready for it to consume me.
I feel the peace wash over me and I know the deed has been done,
I wake up
I don’t open my eyes because I never wanted to look in my mother’s eyes after me, her baby, commits suicide.
I don’t want to feel the shame from my family and “friends” who come to my hospital bed to tell me they love me and have always been there for me.
I didn’t want to think about how much debt i’ll be in from this failed attempt because I have no insurance and neither does my sick mother.
I clench my eyes closed, I was not prepared for what happened if I survived my suicide.
After a few moments I realized how amazing I felt, my head wasn’t hurting from crying, my body wasn’t sore, my torn wrists didn’t even hurt.
I opened my eyes.
To my surprise I was at those pearly gates, looking my father deep in the eyes.
He didn’t expect to see me so soon, I can tell.
Before he can ask who killed his baby girl I tell him no one.
No Daddy the white man didn’t kill me, my skin isn’t dark enough for that.
No Daddy obesity didn’t kill me, my eating disorder was trying to prevent that.
No Daddy Donald Trump didn’t kill me, but I know he’d like to.
You see Daddy, I killed me.
Depression killed me Daddy.
Anxiety killed me Daddy.
Borderline Personality Disorder killed me Daddy.
My head killed me Daddy.
Back on Earth my body is found by my housemate.
My mother is told what happened and she can’t stop shaking, her little girl is gone.
My brother does his best to comfort her, while he himself is failing to hold back tears.
They contact the people who they thought were my friends, not knowing that I died without friends, everyone had left.
My old friends cry, a few blame themselves.
I’ve become a burden once again, even in death I still ruin people’s lives.
It’s too late for me to worry about the consequences of my actions though
I am finally at peace and reunited with my father.
Nothing else matters now.