It's about the pain

To lay here night after endless night being completely literal when I say this, crying myself to sleep.. To do that to myself is.. My own personal prison. Though it could be, I just havent really had a real feeling in a few years- with them all coming back.. It's just overwhelming. But I'm putting myself in a situation where everything but staying sober matters. I want to fix things knowing they weren't whole to start with. A broken bone that can't be mended. I'm trying to fix parts of me that can't be fixed; that won't change. And it's internally killing me. My emotional strength.. Is as a newborn baby's. Things hurt, but when they hurt... They hurt. So I can never figure out where it's coming from. Therefore I cannot stop the pain. No pill, needle, or drink can stop it. To be completely honest, it takes away and lets it back in as a bigger monster than it was before. I'm so lost in it tonight that every fear comes out a tear and every tear turns into ice as it leaves my face, and I watch it fall. I can't wipe them away and stand up to say I'm stronger than that. I just watch it fall. Again and again, night after night. Sometimes hoping eventually things will change but realizing then that I pretty well already made my own path and destiny. It's been written in the stone wall that's blocking my way from any other path. And I am so stuck here. I can't get away. I can't get out. Nobody hears me scream or shout, they just pass right on by like a leaf falls off a tree... like it's nothing.. Like I am nothing. But I am. I am something. Someone. With real pain and real problems. Things I can't handle alone but am forced to. Every single time I struggle it's because everything goes silent and I've got nothing to hear but my own thoughts. It's a tragedy- living in a pool of the words so deadly unspoken that they're the only things that make you feel alive.. But in all reality... You're just not living. You break and break and break some more, like the devil's knocking on your door. You scream and cry and wish to get out, but literally nobody hears you shout. So instead of living you crawl into bed.. And cover up your now lifeless head. To go on with life through such pain, is something you wish to not remain. It's time to go now and that's okay, because I will be with you, some day.

This poem is about: 
My family


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