Inside my Mind
I am screaming
Standing still
Face towards the sky
My throat, it burns
But no one hears
It is all in my head
I smile
At my friends
My eyes are closed
My face, it hurts
But they believe it
It is all pretend
I am not happy
There is no happy
Happy is
I don’t know
What is happy
Is it when you go a day without tears
Go a day without thinking about your scars
In the places that no one can see
When you don’t blame yourself for once
Or is when you stand in the rain
And you feel it
Truly feel it
Feel it in a way you can’t feel anything else
Feel it the way you feel sadness
And self-hatred
And loneliness
Is happiness the rush you feel when you see your own blood
Dripping down your arm
After trying
And failing
To cry yourself to sleep
In movies happiness is love
Happiness is hugs
Being with friends
Family
But life doesn’t allow for that kind of happy
At least not for long
It feeds on that kind of happy
Consuming it with no mind of the repercussions
Sometimes it swallows it whole
Sometimes it takes its time
Like with me
In my mind the darkness grows
Filling every corner
Ebbing and flowing like the ocean
It takes a break and it almost seems to recede
But life sees taking happiness as a game
A game of cat a mouse
Catch and release
Catch and release
Catch
And
Release
Over
And
Over
Until your too tired to attempt to run again
Or until you die
Or until you are so ready to die that you do it yourself
Either way life wins
Either way life gets what it wants
You dead
Drained of happiness
Sometimes we die fulfilled in one way or another
But we all die scared
Scared on our minds
Our bodies
Our hearts
All of us lose our happiness in some way
Some way or another
It is taken
It is destroyed
Before it is rebuilt onto something else
Someone else
Then they are destroyed and we must either give in
Or give up