Inside my Mind

I am screaming

Standing still

Face towards the sky

My throat, it burns

But no one hears

It is all in my head

I smile

At my friends

My eyes are closed

My face, it hurts

But they believe it

It is all pretend

I am not happy

There is no happy

Happy is

I don’t know

What is happy

Is it when you go a day without tears

Go a day without thinking about your scars

In the places that no one can see

When you don’t blame yourself for once

Or is when you stand in the rain

And you feel it

Truly feel it

Feel it in a way you can’t feel anything else

Feel it the way you feel sadness

And self-hatred

And loneliness

Is happiness the rush you feel when you see your own blood

Dripping down your arm

After trying

And failing

To cry yourself to sleep

In movies happiness is love

Happiness is hugs

Being with friends

Family

But life doesn’t allow for that kind of happy

At least not for long

It feeds on that kind of happy

Consuming it with no mind of the repercussions

Sometimes it swallows it whole

Sometimes it takes its time

Like with me

In my mind the darkness grows

Filling every corner

Ebbing and flowing like the ocean

It takes a break and it almost seems to recede

But life sees taking happiness as a game

A game of cat a mouse

Catch and release

Catch and release

Catch

And

Release

Over

And

Over

Until your too tired to attempt to run again

Or until you die

Or until you are so ready to die that you do it yourself

Either way life wins

Either way life gets what it wants

You dead

Drained of happiness

Sometimes we die fulfilled in one way or another

But we all die scared

Scared on our minds

Our bodies

Our hearts

All of us lose our happiness in some way

Some way or another

It is taken

It is destroyed

Before it is rebuilt onto something else

Someone else

Then they are destroyed and we must either give in

 Or give up

 

 

 

This poem is about: 
Me
Our world

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741