I'm Not Ready


Shivering nights follow me as my stomach grows
I feel her inside me
I can picture her face, smile, personality
Worth such a huge future
But I couldn’t give it to her
I’m not ready…
He doesn’t want her
We couldn't handle it
The pressure, the responsibility
And god the things that are happening to my body
I’m not ready
I’m not
My mom cries whenever she looks at me
My dad doesn't even look
I couldn't take care of her by myself
Maybe…maybe I can give her away
To a family that could love her until I’m ready
There’s so much I haven’t done
Goals I haven’t fulfilled
All my dreams are gone
Because of a mistake
A onetime mistake
I learned my lesson
But I can’t take care of this baby
She needs so much more,
She deserves so much more
I can’t let her come into this world like this
I’m not ready
Its okay mommy
You don’t have to worry
You’re not alone
I still love you
You can still follow your dreams if you try
And teach me how to do right
I’m going to be a sweet baby
People are going to call me your twin
Don’t you like the sound of that mommy?
I promise to do my best in everything
So I can make you proud mommy
When I come
We’ll have each other
And that’s all that's going to matter
We’ll prove everyone wrong
And do better than anyone expected
We can do it mommy
You can do it
I believe in you
I can’t do this
I can’t
I’ll try again when I’m ready
It’s not even alive yet
So it’ll be okay
He said he would leave me
My dad said I was stupid
And my mom…
She had such high hopes and dreams for me
I can still do it
I can make them proud
But not with this.. thing growing in me
It’s okay
It can’t feel anything
And later on ill be the best mother ever
But not now
I’m not ready
Why did you do this to me?
I wasn't ready to come out
And it hurt mommy
It hurt really bad
But then it stopped
You dumped me in a toilet
I didn't even get a chance to say good bye
Why mommy?
What did I do wrong?
I loved you mommy
Didn't you love me?
Didn't you believe in me?
I promised I was going to make you proud
Did you think I couldn't do it?
I sorry for not being good enough for you
I see you cry every night mommy, holding your stomach
More then you did when I was there
Everyone else seems happy but you
I wish you had let me be there for you
To love you unconditionally
But you didn't want me to,
I noticed you never look in the mirror anymore
You don’t spend hours on your hair and makeup anymore
Remember how I was going to be your twin?
Is that why you never look?
Because of me?
Probably not
You don’t care about me
You killed me
Maybe you're crying over daddy
He left you after you left me
I would've stayed mommy
I would've made sure you were happy
I would've loved you forever
But you didn't give me a chance
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry
I messed up
They told me it wasn't alive
But I saw the little body
Bloody, tiny, and helpless
I can’t do anything but cry
My boyfriend left me
My parents still won’t look at me
And now I've lost my only baby
I’m alone and empty
And a murderer
I didn't even give her a chance
To see, breath, smile, cry, love, touch, smell, fail, succeed
To Live, and I regret it 


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741