I remember the smell.

His hand against my mouth

The dirt and grease 

That will always be lodged in my memories

 

I remember the pain.

The pain of my hair being torn from my head

Of my arms pulsing,

Or the pain of my heartbreaking

When they said those hurtful derogatory names

At my expense

 

I remember the sounds

The grunting and yelling

The arguing and name-calling

The T.V. still on 

In the background

(Certain shows will never be the same)

 

I remember the anger

In his eyes,

The pure red hot hostile stare

Burning into my soul...

 

I remember the disappointment in her face

As she told me to get out

And never come back

It’s as if someone stabbed me in the heart

 

I remember the fear

Of knowing I would live

But not knowing when 

This would all end

Or if it ever would

 

I remember hiding

Hiding my emotions 

Making sure that I was still 

That happy girl everyone knew on the outside

Even though I was bleeding on the inside

 

I remember his voice.

Apologizing again and again

Telling me it wasn’t him,

How the alcohol turned him 

Into that monster,

But wasn’t he the monster all along?

 

I remember bits and pieces

of my childhood that they stole

When those memories come back

It floods me

 

I remember her betrayal

As if it was yesterday

For some reason it hurt worse than his

 

I remember him getting better

The late night movie marathons

The help with homework

The showing up 

When he never did before

 

I remember the confusion

When her family said it was my fault

That I wasn’t apart of her life

That it was my fault she was hurting

Or when we told them exactly what she did and said

And they called us a liar

 

I remember her coming back

Telling me she was sorry

That she wanted in my life

 

I remember accepting both of them back

Hesitant but accepting

Trying to forgive

The years of pain

 

I remember everything

Even though they wish I would forget

Even though I tell them I forgave them

Even though they act as if nothing ever happened

Even though life goes on

Even though I want to forget

I will always remember

 

I have to remember….