I Think I've Lost Control

I'm so tired of being the one that has to be okay all the time

I'm so over being the one that always has to take a deep breath and trek on

I'm tired of wearing a mask for everyone else while I die on the inside

You broke my fucking heart and I fucking hate you

Except that I don't hate you and I'm not mad at you

But it makes me so mad to think that you're okay

While I'm laying here on the floor, crying

I am baptized in my own tears and anointed in the blood that flows from broken skin

I won't tell you how I broke it, even if it was just a dream, a nightmare

I won't tell you how after four years of purity and victory

I snapped and broke my own skin again because if all I'm going to feel is pain

Then I will be the master of when it comes and when it goes

I hate myself for having ever fallen in love with you

Not because you did anything, no I can't bring myself to blame you

But how easy it is to blame myself for all of this

If I would have kept my mouth shut about how I felt

If I wouldn’t have guilted you into caring for me

If I could have seen this coming instead of being blinded by how selfish and insecure I really was

I wanted someone to call me pretty, to say I was worth it, to kiss me and hold my hand

And you gave me all of that, but at what cost?

Your voice? Your time? Your identity? The life you were meant to live?

You think you stole everything special from me?

Then what the hell did I take from you?

I took so much more from you than you will have ever taken from me

I took who you were and I buried it so fucking deep in the ground

That even if part of it were still alive it couldn't crawl back out

And then when you went looking for it, I pretended like you never dug it up

Then when you came and told me you did, I was in shock to think that you had found it

And I am so sorry

But there is nothing I could ever say to you to give you back the time I stole from you for so long

I want little more than for you to pull into the driveway and come running to the door

For you to beg for me to take you back and you know I would in a second

Except that

The one thing I do want more is for you to move on

I want you to be happy even if I'm not because I still love you and I still hate myself

I could go the rest of my life without ever hearing the words "I love you" spoken to me again

As long as I know that there is someone by your side saying them to you

And with the way that I blame myself for everything, I can see it happening just like that

And I accept that and everything that doesn't come with it

Part of me wants you to forget about me, to leave  me once and for all

Because I want to be your friend, your best friend if I can

But I can't deal with the pain I've caused you

I may never look you in the eyes and see a boy I can never have

But rather a boy I did have for all the wrongs reasons

I can't take this anymore, this dread, this pain

I don't want to be okay

I want to fucking disappear into the vastness of somewhere that isn't this brick and cinderblock cage

I want to go somewhere far, far away where no one knows who I am

And I don't have to tell them either because I know my reputation as a horrid bitch will proceed me

I don't want anyone anymore, all I wanted was you

A year and a half of my life was spent dying over you every single day

I chose to die every minute for you and now I have nothing to die for

And without something to die for, I have nothing to live for

So I'm sorry I took everything from you that you had left to your name

And I'm sorry that I was so fucking selfish

And I'm sorry that I won't be sticking around to atone for my sins


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