I sat myself down and
I burst from
My seat and I
Collapsed in a heap
As the inferno of complexity
Surrounded me like a vortex
of regret and peace and
And I cry.
Many a male lusted for me long before they felt anything.
They appreciated my body before they appreciated my brain.
They accepted my smaller size before they accepted my mouth.
Enamored by my curves before being enamored by my compassion.
Drooling over my innate lust before drooling over my innate love.
I know this to be true.
I blame myself, of course.
I deserve it, at any rate, because
Perhaps if I had not given in to my
Own desires, then maybe I wouldn't
Be in such an emotional state of complexity.
Then, one day, I somehow understood.
I fancied a gentleman far beyond my reach,
For he was my complete and utter foil:
And I loved every single second.
I had admired him from a distance
As massive as the country from whence he came.
Slowly, the quivers came. The shivers came, too. And
The dreams came. The daydreams came, as well.
They revolved around the desire to...well...
I won't give it a name.
As time progressed,
I saw the soul behind
The person I sought for
My carnal pleasures and I
Recognized the dilemma I
Faced all along and I fell in grief.
His hair just drove me mad with its length
It matched my imaginations but it felt so different.
I never was into blondes, for that matter.
And he changed that.
His arms just drove me mad with their strength
They made me feel protected and dominated and
In a twisted manner, he was the only one I found peace
With in that dynamic, but my pride drives me to emphasize
My dominance between us, which downright is absent in truth.
His eyes stalled me as I met them with my own
A celebrity I hadn't ever fallen in love with
Yet his mere stare or gaze drove me to
Insanity and I stopped breathing.
His soul leaped at me, and I just...
I just wanted to know the extent of
Who that person I lusted for so intensely was.
It felt so wrong and downright evil to drool
Over his body without knowing his heart.
It felt morbid to chase a mutual pleasure
And not have appreciative words to
Exchange in the more relaxed days.
It went back on a promise I had made,
And I regret signing my soul to an unforeseen future
But I did it and I do not regret it.
Back and forth, I wonder just what there is to fancy
I am pretty...and what else?
I am smart, but I am scattered.
I am open, but I am obvious.
I am sweet, but I am a thorn.
I am true, but I am capricious.
I am accepting, but I am ignorant.
I am myself, but I don't feel I fit.
I am so many great things
Poisoned by so many bad things.
And I fight so much
Because the flaws I know he has just
Make me appreciate him more
But the flaws I know I have just
Cause him to retreat for safety
And I don't blame him
I never planned to love anyone like me.
That's why I fell for him anyway.