I sat myself down and

Talked around

The points

Like usual.

 

Suddenly

I burst from

My seat and I 

Collapsed in a heap

As the inferno of complexity

 

Surrounded me like a vortex

of regret and peace and 

emotional vomit

And I cry.

 

Many a male lusted for me long before they felt anything.

They appreciated my body before they appreciated my brain.

They accepted my smaller size before they accepted my mouth.

Enamored by my curves before being enamored by my compassion.

Drooling over my innate lust before drooling over my innate love.

 

I know this to be true.

I blame myself, of course.

I deserve it, at any rate, because

Perhaps if I had not given in to my 

Own desires, then maybe I wouldn't 

Be in such an emotional state of complexity.

 

Then, one day, I somehow understood.

I fancied a gentleman far beyond my reach,

For he was my complete and utter foil:

Gender

Race

Origin

Personality

Emotional Expression

And I loved every single second.

I had admired him from a distance

As massive as the country from whence he came.

Slowly, the quivers came. The shivers came, too. And

The dreams came. The daydreams came, as well.

They revolved around the desire to...well...

I won't give it a name.

Anyway,

Somehow, 

As time progressed,

I saw the soul behind

The person I sought for 

My carnal pleasures and I 

Recognized the dilemma I

Faced all along and I fell in grief.

 

One day, 

His hair just drove me mad with its length

It matched my imaginations but it felt so different.

I never was into blondes, for that matter. 

And he changed that. 

One day, 

His arms just drove me mad with their strength

They made me feel protected and dominated and 

In a twisted manner, he was the only one I found peace

With in that dynamic, but my pride drives me to emphasize

My dominance between us, which downright is absent in truth.

One day, 

His eyes stalled me as I met them with my own

A celebrity I hadn't ever fallen in love with

Yet his mere stare or gaze drove me to 

Insanity and I stopped breathing.

One day, 

His soul leaped at me, and I just...

I just wanted to know the extent of 

Who that person I lusted for so intensely was.

It felt so wrong and downright evil to drool

Over his body without knowing his heart.

It felt morbid to chase a mutual pleasure

And not have appreciative words to 

Exchange in the more relaxed days.

It went back on a promise I had made,

And I regret signing my soul to an unforeseen future

But I did it and I do not regret it. 

Back and forth, I wonder just what there is to fancy 

About me. 

I am pretty...and what else?

I am smart, but I am scattered.

I am open, but I am obvious.

I am sweet, but I am a thorn.

I am true, but I am capricious.

I am accepting, but I am ignorant.

I am myself, but I don't feel I fit.

I am so many great things

Poisoned by so many bad things. 

And I fight so much

Because the flaws I know he has just

Make me appreciate him more

But the flaws I know I have just

Cause him to retreat for safety

And I don't blame him

Because

I never planned to love anyone like me.

That's why I fell for him anyway.