I should have known earlier

That something was off.

 

AGE 3

I am acting out

My own death

Over and

Over and

Over.

Gunshots, falling, screaming,

Nothing.

 

I should have known earlier

That something was off.

 

AGE 4

I feel something is missing.

Not a toy, or a game,

But a piece of my heart,

Or a piece of my brain.

 

I should have known earlier

That something was off.

 

AGE 5

I want to run out

Into the road

And scream,

"Won't anybody

Help me?"

Because I feel like

I am drowning.

 

I should have known earlier

That something was off.

 

AGE 10

My first time

Attempting suicide

Is a mess.

To hang myself

Is not an easy task,

Being so short.

I can't get up high enough.

 

I should have known earlier

That something was off.

 

AGE 12

I first see a therapist,

Then another,

Then another.

Pouring out the same stories

But never understanding 

Why I felt this way

Why I was so sad, so mad.

 

I should have known earlier

That something was off.

 

AGE 13

My first hospitalization

Is an adventure.

Prescribed pills

Make me shake

Among drug addicts,

Alcoholics,

And fellow suicide attempts.

 

I should have known earlier

That something was off.

 

AGE 15

My official diagnosis

Finally comes in.

To nobody's surprise,

The paper reads

"Major Depression."

 

I should have known earlier

That something was off.

 

AGE 17

I'm going out with a bang

Quite literally.

They bury my body

With tears and remorse

And they say,

 

"I should have known earlier

That something was off."