I loved you

I loved you without a second thought or a backward glance

I loved you with the innocence of a child and left you with more hate than a soul should bear

I came to you all trusting

You came to me without fault or blemishes or scars

Maybe that’s why we didn’t work

Because I never met anyone as kind as you and it terrified me

You terrified me by not wanting to hurt me

I don’t know what it’s like for someone to love without hidden agendas

But I still loved you

Because you would smile at me and because you wanted to make me happy

Because you wrote absolutely terrible poetry and couldn’t dance or sing but I still would dance and sing with you anyways

Because you were nervous more often than not

Because you didn’t want any trouble

Because you would kiss me and hold me and it was enough

Until it wasn’t

Until I broke and you saw the real me

Until you realized how absolutely broken and torn up I was

And I forgot to be the girl who you fell in love with

And all I could feel was how bad it hurt

But I never forgot how much your insecurities made me laugh because you were so much more beautiful than you would ever realize

And I never forgot how the color of your eyes reminded me of safety

And how perfectly our hands fit together

Or how your laugh made me feel whole again

Or how perfectly we fit together

Don’t you ever believe me when I say I hate you

I have never loved anybody more than I loved you

Because you could never love someone as sick I am

But you did anyways

Until I couldn’t be happy enough for you

And I tried

I swear to you I tried

And when I wake up I want you to know that you’re the first thing on my mind

I want you to know this comes out of pain and not out of hate

I want you to know that I loved you

That I still do

And that I never meant this to happen

I wanted to shelter you from the world and from myself but I couldn’t do either

You will never regret meeting me as much as I regret being alive

But I will never regret loving you