I don't want you anymore, I want me.

Dear Carlos,

I hope you never read this because I know you will just misinterpret the whole thing. There's so many things I've wanted to say to you in the last four years that I've known you, but if I'd have said the things that were in my mind, I'm not sure you'd be in my life today. I met you when I was 19, in my absolute prime days, worry-free, careless, wasn't thinking of anyone else but myself. When I met you I really didn't think how much you'd change my life today. I didn't think you having a baby would affect me at all. I didn't think you being a dad would give me any reason to care. I didn't know that I wanted kids. I didn't know what a broken family was, I honeslty didn't even know myself. After a couple months, I fell for you the hardest way I know I could fall. I loved you and me and everything we could be. But it was easy then you know? Just you and me. Your son wasn't in the picture, or even around so it was easy, just you and me. You'd see him while I was at work or when I wasn't around and it was to early on to even bring him around. It was the most bittersweet moments of my life. This fairy tale of course was short lasted. Your son started growing and the need to be the father that your father wasn't for you took over your whole body. I could not understand it at the time. I was furious with you for picking "him" and "her" over me. I couldn't see how you could love someone but still want to leave. The first year was hell for me. You lied, you cheated, you took pictures, you hurt me so deeply in the places I didn't even know existed. I gave up. I moved on but something kept me hoping youd look for me. Didn't take long for you to come. I remember the multiple nights were you'd call me crying telling me that you were torn because you wanted your son but you wanted me too. I remember your son's mother reaching out to me telling me to let you go so her family could be whole again. I remember your mother telling me that I was just a phase and a fantasy for you that youd get over and that you'd realize being a family man is what you needed. I remeber you passing by my house. I remember the anonymous numbers sending me pictures of you and your "little family". I remember when you moved in with her. I remember when you left me. I remember every single detail and that miserable year. Fast forward three years later, and you are mine now. You left her and came with me after your nervous brake down. You finally understood that you could still be a father even though you weren't with the mother of your son. You finally saw that people using your son to bring you back only ended up backfiring at the end. You saw your mother's real colors. You saw your sons's mother real colors and most of all you saw what you were. You have been completely devoted to me for the past three years now, you have been a magnificent dad, you have turned your life around and you have finally found peace. You gave me everything that I wanted and asked for but now that I have it, I'm sorry to say that I'm not sure I want it anymore. Through the years I have becae very observant of life, family and love. I have seen my parents who have been married for 23 years now, push through the struggles. I have seen broken familie, with no father or no mother. I have seen the struggle of single mothers. I have seen children during divorce. I have seen first time parents enjoy their first baby together. I have seen childless couples travel the world. I have seen relationships that have peace. I have seen everything that I want but I haven't seen it in us. I'm afraid you can't give me what I want. I fought this feeling for a long time but I can't push it back anymore. I love your son but I don't think I can love him like he's my own. I love that you are a great dad, but I don't think I want my partner to be a dad yet. I love the experince and knowledge you have with life, but maybe I want to experince it on my own, at my own time. My family told me you're planning on marrying me in may...and i'm sad. I don't want to be a mother yet. I don't want to take care of a child. I don't want your family to become my family. I don't want you to love me forever. I don't want you anymore. I want me. 

 

Love,

Norma Rodriguez

This poem is about: 
Me

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