I Don't Think I Exist

Sun, 10/04/2015 - 12:50 -- T_C

I remember someone told me once that I didn't exist

It wasn't that the human before them was nothing but an illusion

But the fact that there was no such thing as an asexual woman

Just one that hadn't found the right man


My world spun to a stop

Not because I cared if someone else told me I was wrong

(I did, I do, I can't, I shouldn't, Why do I?)

But it was because I knew this special someone was a friend

They were a friend that had just come out as bi 

And yet when I tried to confess to this person

It was like they spelled their sexuality differently



So I pretend and send little hints and wait

Because if I can't tell her straight when she's bi and I'm not

Instead I lie and make mistakes 

Who's hot? I don't know

No one attracts me, but normal people feel it, right?

Normal people feel attraction

And I'd be jealous if I didn't hear about rape and heartbreak and one-sided loves

I'm free from that despite that everyone thinks I just can't find the one


I think that person is trying to make me a lesbian

This person I trust is always implying that I'm hiding and she knows

But she doesn't because I'm only hiding from her

I've spilled my guts before

It's not that I can't feel

It's just that I don't feel that - I don't want it


The idea of waking in a bed after having lost that which seems to define me

Gives me nightmares and night terrors

Even the thought of touching makes my hair stand on end

I don't want it, but no one listens


I kissed a boy once

He wanted more, but I felt nothing

No fluttering heart or Disney moment or happily ever after

I felt empty and cold and scared

And he wanted more but was too polite to say it

He wanted a true love's kiss that I just couldn't supply

Because my true love was that of a friend's kiss


I kissed a girl once

She was my best friend, and we were young

I felt friendship for her

But she felt differently

I was talking when she rolled over

She pinned my legs and mauled my face

I didn't feel a spark or butterflies or fireworks like the movies say

I felt cold fear because she was on me - no escape

I grabbed her hair and wrenched her to the side

Her head hit the wall, and she was knocked out

In the morning, she said she didn't remember what happened

And that was that


I have a best friend that I love - two, in fact

I tried to pretend for one when he asked

But I held out a week and a day

That was all I could handle, but I still can't keep the guilt at bay

The other one likes men, so I think I'm okay

But I know if she asked, I'd pretend once again

Sometimes I'm scared because I really do love them

I just can't seem to feel it in the way my special friend thinks I'm supposed to


Someday when I'm old, I think I'll get up the nerve to tell

Because my special friend thinks they know when they didn't listen when I said

But for now I'll point out random people and proclaim them hot

I'll point out clevage and muscles and watch her smirk

I'll take her pointed looks and comments

Because someday I'll be able to tell her how I fooled her after all

This poem is about: 
My family


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