How to Get Away With Devouring Your Boyfriend(s): A Tale Told In Limericks

Once 'pon a Time long ago,
A witch showed a terrible show.
She cursed a young man
Who had stolen her ham
And rampion for his wife (and daughter in tow).

 His wife was weakened with child,
Thus her appetite was quite wild.
She wanted the meat
And the root to eat
But the witch wouldn’t take it so mild.

 When the young man’s child was born,
He and his wife were forlorn.
The witch came and said,
“The child or you’re dead!”
And the girl was his daughter no more.

The witch ran away to the woods,
As fast and as hard as she could.
She built up a tower
With her magic power
So the girl could stay there for good.
 
The young girl grew every day
It was hard to keep her at bay.
She sang with such charm
It began to cause harm
As princes all came her way.

 The princes stood at the base
Of the tower, cursing the place
Calling “Rapunzel my fair!
Let down your long hair!”
Filled with joy ‘til they saw her face.
 
“Rapunzel, my girl you’ve been bad!”
“Oh mother, you make me so sad!
The princes doth come
And they feel rather glum.
If I kept them out, they’d go mad!”

 “Darling, now don’t shed a tear,
The princes want one thing I fear.
To deflower your rose
Probably do it in prose
That is why they draw near.”
 
Rapunzel cried long that day.
For, though I’m sorry to say,
The witch cast a spell
That made her life hell,
No more singing the time away.
 
With no song to draw in the men
Rapunzel grew mad in her pen.
She gazed at the trees
From spring until freeze
All alone in the tower’s glen.
 
A prince went riding one day
He passed by the tower in May.
He saw not her face,
Just the long hair of lace
So he called, though his horse did bray.
 
“My name is Rapunzel!” She called
The horse was still rather galled.
But the prince jumped down
With somewhat of a frown
As the horse was nervous, he stalled.
 
The base of the tower was wide
He wondered, why would she hide?
“Rapunzel, you say?
Tis quite odd, nay?”
“My mother doth hate me!” She cried.
 
“I’ll come visit tomorrow!” He swore.
But he thought, She’s done this before!
This must be the place
That knights always chase.
If so, she’s a terrible whore!
 
“Are you the girl of the tales?
Whose beauty and grace lowers sails?”
“I’ve not heard the myth,
Unless it’s the one with
The sirens, but that’s fairytales!”
 
The prince returned every week.
Rapunzel was patient and meek.
She’d done this before,
This time with allure.
She took care to make her hair sleek.
 
The prince saw her fair, pale, white bod.
Unaware it was all a facade.
The one fateful time
He decided to climb 
Up her hair, was terribly flawed.
 
The witch was waiting you see.
Trimmed the hair of his soon bride-to-be.
“I tell you to leave!
Or your kingdom will grieve!
The loss of their sweet, fair, princie!”
 
“My love!” Cried Rapunzel with fear,
“You’ve come! You’re finally here!”
“Don’t listen to her!
You’re in great danger!”
The prince wished to save his sweet dear.
 
The prince saw the girl from behind.
As she turned, he began to go blind.
She started to sing
He had no choice but to fling
Himself out of the tower unkind.
 
“Stealing his sight?” Asked the witch
“To return your song? To bewitch
All those young men,
With your voice like a wren.
And to think I would let you, that’s rich!”
 
The prince rode home, rather sad.
“That witch is terribly bad!
Making me blind
All so she could bind
My sweet love, without whom I’ll go mad.”
 
Rapunzel was cast to a bog
That was trapped in impen’trable fog
She wept and she cried
But her hope was fried.
She was lost in the labyrinth of smog.
 
The witch found the prince, there to warn,
But he was in terrible mourn.
He was nearly blind,
And determined to find,
His dear love, he was ever forlorn.
 
“She’s dangerous! She’ll hurt you!” She said.
But the prince did order her dead.
‘Twas brought to the gallows
For the Prince was quite shallow
And killed all those he did dread.
 
The prince headed off on a quest
To find where his love now did nest
He was lead to a swamp,
Where his horse had to clomp
Through the foliage, to find his love blest.
 
Lost on his horse in the bog,
The prince was convinced that the smog,
Was something bewitched
Because he tried to get hitched,
 “That witch is a terrible hog!”
 
Rapunzel did sing her sad song,
It didn’t take very long
For the prince to find,
Although he was blind,
The girl, for his love was so strong.
 
“My love, let me see your sweet face!
Though my vision doth leave me apace.”
She turned with a grin,
She never loved him.
He shrieked when she did him embrace.
 
“A siren!? Is that what you are?
The witch, she did mean me no harm?”
She said, “Let’s make love!”
With her face of a dove,
As though by some terrible charm.
 
Twas not a charm, I’m afraid,
Set upon this fair, wretched maid.
She’d been born with the head
Of what sailors do dread,
Those sirens, who kill men and get laid.
 
The fool prince had forgotten his sword,
Now he was not quite on board,
He couldn’t quite leave,
As his heart she did cleave,
From his chest, with her beak. He was gored.
 
Now the witch and the prince are both dead,
But Rapunzel, her life’s still ahead.
Now you must know
Trust not those who don’t show,
Their face, they may your heart shred. 

 

 

 

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