The Haze

Location

92373
United States
34° 0' 45.8892" N, 117° 9' 42.3684" W

I've been thinking about death

Not because I am dying

Not because I wish to die

Simply because I will eventually die

 

When I go, I don't want to fade

I fear feeling as though my head is filled with lead

I'm scared my voice will rebel and my lips won't move

If my body becomes a decoration, panic may take me

 

I don't want to lose myself

Actual death will be welcomed in place of this

Becoming sealed up within my thoughts

Unable to express because I am too weak

 

That haze between active life and passing

That is what strikes terror into me

Not death

Because in the haze, I'm afraid I cannot fully be me

 

 

I do not want to sit idle

Regardless of how ill my body may be

I will still seek to live

While I have life within this frame

 

Because that's who I am

Forever will I be stubborn

Anything that prevents me from remaining myself

That is what terrifies me

 

I know what awaits me

And that gives me strength

The fear will still remain

Of that time I may be lost within

 

Perhaps this fear will serve me well

The time to express myself is now

My thoughts will be made known in one form or another

By the time I lay dying, I will have said all I need to say

 

I want to be remembered by my life

Not pitied by how I left

I pray the haze will skip over me

If not, I hope it will pass quickly

 

But I know that when the time comes

I will have lived

I will have made myself proud

When I go, I will still be me

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741