A Happy Ending

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When I look at you, I wonder how you knew

Knew that my soul would need saving

That my heart was eternally breaking

You found me dying on the floor

Because back then I was nothing more than a dirty little whore

Lost between the death and the life of the living

I was grieving and it was only the beginning

I died twice before being born into this life

I had no idea who I was supposed to become

Even as a little girl I was a lost one

Growing up in a broken home

 

I had no idea of the meaning of the word love

All I knew was that it was full of lust, abuse and mistrust

And every one of those words gave a home to the skeletons in my closet

Each with a year and name, and they were pleasantly pleased with their fame

I tore down mountains of walls and burnt several bridges to never again redeem myself

Every open heart and open hand I bit with no intention of any kind of repentance

 

I was living what I thought Love was

If I love you I do your homework

If I love you I give it up

If I love you I give you money

If I love you I let you beat me up

This was the worst kind of torture, in the worst kind of hell

19 Years spent, and I was still under someone else’s spell

I did everything I could to fit in

Gave a little to get some attention

I haven’t even began to mention

The pills and the deals that I was making with the devil

And when life was becoming too much I decided it was my time to die

 

Honestly who deserves to live?

Someone who is a horrible daughter, with a taunting and spiteful attitude

Someone who doesn’t listen, failing in school, just couldn’t figure out how to fit in

Someone who has absolutely no friends

A girl with a pretty face, but the most disgusting body

So the only thing that interesting was nothing because death was my hobby

Did I mention it was my time to die?

I gave up I was tired of trying to live a lie

7 times

7 different ways

37 scars sprawled across my scathe of skin

1 rope trying to given in

500 pills injected into my body

I am sure my liver is looking for a new body

 

Did I forget to mention that my story began at birth and by age three I knew the taste of someone’s hard carrot desert?

And Ill never know why I had to be the one to try , Really all I wanted was the gummy bears  I was promised, but ever since then since birth in ‘92 I’ve learned to be dishonest

Remember my broken home; well that taught me that too, to be dishonest and do things I never really wanted to do

It taught me that feeling needed was the best high

And that if I gave my body to multiple people I would be liked

It taught me to live a lie

 

But I have to give it to you when you found me in 08

You presented the prettiest little case

You made me feel needed, because you felt yourself that you were a lost cause

You had your heart broken, and I thought I was magic gauze

I gave myself to you in a whole different cloth

You made me feel anew

I told you all of my dirty little secrets

And you never once judged me

Took me for all that I was

 

Half the time I couldn’t even speak

But somehow it went from you needing me,to me needing you

And I didn’t like it

It started a dependency that I couldn’t lose

But in the end I only ended up fixing you  

You were saved, you felt like something new

 

Though you never left me in ‘10, I felt like I no longer knew you

But somehow again you found me walking countless miles to never find and end

You saved me for us just to start this battle all over again

Except this time I felt like I had really found myself

I let you move in but this only drowned me in my own hell

I became something I never wanted to be I was so caught up in you that I lost me

There was no balance

 

No matter how bad I want it to be I always found myself buried ten feet deep in sheets unable to breathe

Unable to sleep

And you, you wanted to love me but I wouldn’t let you

My skeletons my scars they were all buried to deep

So I pushed you away with the intention that you would lose sleep over me

But I pushed you so far you didn’t even blink a wink

And that left me even more tormented

 

Because I needed you desperately

I was pleading for you silently

But even then my words fell on deaf ears and even if you were listening you wouldn’t hear me because by that time you disappeared in ‘12

And that was exactly what I feared

I needed help

I had to look deep within myself

Because once again I didn’t know you, I had no choice but to seek help

I had to decide that started with me

I had to literally dig out every skeleton in my closet out by hand

Face my demons

And learn to stand alone, to start being honest and build myself a foundation within myself that I could call home

I had to define and find love for myself

Figure out what I needed

Because If I was ever going to love you I had to be exactly what I needed for myself first

I had to let go of my past

Wash away the pain

Face my scars

Figure out what I deserve

And finally find me in ‘13

And once I did, I wondered how you knew

Knew that my soul needed saving

I wonder how you knew that I finally saved myself

To give us a chance at life

At chance at what love really should be.

 

 

 

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