Once upon a time in a land too close for comfort was a woman who had lived her whole entire life trying to please EVERYONE. She placed all her energy into making her parents, brother, kids, husband and friends happy. She never did anything for herself because she felt guilty doing something to make herself happy. If everyone around her wasn't happy also, how could she be happy it wouldn't be fair. So she put her dreams and hobbies to the side, everything she did right down to what she ate for dinner was to make someone happy. No matter what she did, how hard she tried nothing was ever enough, sure they would be happy in the moment, but as soon as she stepped out of line she was told how she was never there, never helps, never does anything. Any mistakes she had ever made were used as bullets shot to her heart. So she would try harder, eventually she failed, she fell apart and let EVERYONE DOWN, she did more damage than good with the most devastating damage being that which she did to herself. She was broken, completely lost, she lost everything that mattered to her, everyone that mattered to her and worst of all, her self worth, her self confidence, trust in her instincts, judgement and her whole self identity. She was alone, tormented by the memories of her mistakes and failures. When she wasn't beating herself up for her failures, her ex husband, and mother were tearing her down reminding her constantly what a disappointing failure she was. As if it wasn't hard enough for her to find a way to get up every day and keep going, they made it harder. There were days when she woke up angry because she had lived to see another day, the pain in her heart was so intense that often she felt like taking another breath would be impossible, but somehow she managed to keep breathing, when she would get trapped in her thoughts, lost in depression and going crazy with anxiety she would look at her phone, scrolling thru her contacts looking for someone to reach out to, but she knew from experience that no one was ever there, and if they did answer, none of them ever understood. She was ALONE and these demons would have to be fought alone. She knew she had to fight because she knew that her kids would be broken if she gave up, so she fought, and fought, and fought some more. She cried, yelled, cursed until she fell asleep exhausted, worn out and feeling defeated. Then the sun would rise and she would see that she had won the battle again and lived another day, at first it felt more like losing than winning. She didn't even know who she was, she knew her reason for fighting the urge to give in to the depression, but she didn't know what she was going to do with the life she would live if she beat the depression.How can she decide what to do with her life if she doesn't know who she is, she doesn't know what makes her happy or what she likes to do, she doesn't even remember what she likes to eat. It was then she realized that she was never going to be the same again but she knew she was strong, she knew she had a heart full of love and compassion, and she knew that there were others out there like her that needed someone to be a beacon of light. So she started with what she knew, she decided being a therapist would be a good fit for her since she had survived so much she could relate and help instead of judging and not caring.. She knew school would be necessary, so she started. She started learning that no one was going to do anything to please her, comfort her or make her happy, no one even understood her, she barely understood herself, no one would tell her she was doing and good job when she did well. She desperately yearned for just one person, someone, anyone to hear her out and understand how she felt, she wanted to feel heard. She faced the fact that if she was ever going to beat this depression and live freely and happily she was going to have to stop looking out for the happiness and love, and start seeking it from within. She was going to have to love herself, be proud of herself, and do what needed to be done for herself to be happy, she was going to have to see her own worth and understand that she was worth being put first, she needed to love herself enough to put herself first, she of course continued to help people along the way that she would cross paths with but never at the expense of putting herself last. She had already tried living to please everyone but herself and failed at it miserably screw anyone who doesn't like it, they don't care about me if they want me to put myself last. Besides pleasing everyone is impossible and exhausting, pissing everyone off is much easier and more entertaining. So that was that, from that day forward she lived every day and fought to make herself happy, she went to school, she's three weeks from earning an associate's degree, she's strong and wise. She doesn't need anyone to be there when she feels down or depressed she can comfort herself, she doesn't need anyone to make her happy or love her she makes herself happy she loves herself. She no longer needs someone to be proud of her, she's proud of herself, she knows who she is, and she understands everything about herself and she feels heard, there's no more doubt, insecurities, or feelings of failure. Everything she puts her heart into brings her a rewarding feeling and a feeling of appreciation, because she appreciates the strength she found and the energy she puts in to herself. She may love again someday, but never again will she love anyone more than herself, never again will she feel pain just to please someone else, She will not change herself to please someone, she knows she is worth being loved, just as she is.