They have told me that the meek will inherit the Earth but I have realize it will not be until we are buried in it. I will not let you dig my grave, I will not let your words and actions kick me while I’m down. Today I have decided that I do not need love, but I will accept what is. Today I have made the brave decision to only accept the affection I can tangibly taste in my mouth as nothing other than the bubble gum, chewy sweet, beginning, passion burning experience that is love. I have told myself I will not settle for anything less than what love is suppose to be in full.
Therefore I want to tell you, I am sorry for telling you that I am not beautiful, because the idea of my own beauty is still something new to me. But just because I do not see it does not mean you can treat me any less. It is a shame that I, as a woman, can tell you that I love you as you are. To tell you I shall kiss your lips full or thin, wrap my arms around you or forever try; but you cannot tell me that my body is imperfectly lovely. You cannot swear to me that you love my body now, so how can I trust you when I grow fine lines- I don’t.
Today, I want to tell you that I will not hear the pronoun she, anymore as it falls from your lips. I will stare at you as blankly as a sheet of paper- filled with dark ink, wild and untamed, explosive with violent strokes. I want to express that I will no longer accept anything less than what love is suppose to feel like.
I understand now that there has never been a proverb to teach you the way to a woman’s heart, it has always been far too important to find a way in her. Tell me, how many would have beens, should have beens are on your list? Tell me when you stare and oogle at the women on the coloured screen, do they satisfy you? I hope they do, because I am tired of satisfying only you. I am tired of being stepped on, tired of hating myself, tired of feeling like everything has somehow gone wrong. Have you even noticed?
You treat my feelings as indiscretions, you let them fall on ears that hear but do not care, and I have noticed. I have seen and marked, and put away all my anger, all my pain. When it comes to you, you do not care if you hurt someone else you have already decided on your reason to why you are right. So tell me, love, are you still right?
Last night I had decided to take the hand of the girl I was when I had met you and told her I am sorry. I told her I am sorry I have cheated you out of everything that you had deserved, you were so ready, so willing, to let everything fall into place. I have learned falling isn’t the answer. I told her I will fight for everything that you wanted, I spoke to that girl I was when I met you and told her, I’m sorry in your place, because I already knew you would not do so. Last night I slept on a dry pillow, and in a bed big enough to love myself in. This morning I woke up, intending on continuing to do so.