Gemini Cloudbursts

Location

Gemini, they tell me I am

Throwing out words like

Fickle, unpredictable,

Uncontainable, unreliable

Excitable, dynamic,

Restless and mutable, a proper air sign indeed

Emotional back-and-forth like a weathered whirlwind whiplash--

I’m tired of hearing it

But I hide behind it

Can’t explain why I’m so capricious

 

But in a way they’re right

I’m like an unpredictable storm

A zephyr, a gale--

Sometimes sunny with a high of 75,

Sometimes frigid blizzard in the middle of July

Too intense, extremes on either end

 

I try to hide it

I try to be gentle

(When I just want to be a hurricane)

I know that feeling’s ephermal, anyway

But that’s all I want to be these days

Cutting tumult, a squall

A storm on the horizon

There, then gone

 

I can be that zephyr though--

I remember

A burst of life on a quiescent day

Bringing you a gale of laughter

Fleeting promises, evanescent in the spring breeze

Gentle and free, full of whimsy

But only while the sun shined.

(It has to set eventually.)

Since then—I’ve felt like a hurricane more often than not.

Heavy and burdened with a maelstrom inside,

Ever since twilight descended.

 

I keep trying to move on.

Mornings, I rise reluctantly

And ignore the weight of a tempestuous heart.

The wind whispers remnants of false promises.

I don’t want to hear them.

Then I close eyes long gone sunblind

I stop--

Immobilized by shadows in the mind that hid

Dark anxieties’ clouds.  Not one knew them.

 

I’d inhale and feel the storm lurking, looming. 

A heaviness, humid like tears

The scent of salt on the wind.

When my breath was calmed, I see the sun--

So, so fleetingly--

And swiftly I would smile,

Soak up the warmth and pretend summer would never end,

Silently fearing those inevitable rains of winter,

The squall blowing me away,

And the cold seeping through my bones.

 

I remember

Whispering poignant, painful truth to you,

Words rushing like a fleeting breeze towards you,

Who had offered me shelter from the cold

The smell of flowers and the sound of birdsong

I hadn’t heard them during April’s showers

Hadn’t felt a warmth like that

Starting from my heart and shining out.

 

It was fleeting though

Such a brief respite from that storm inside

What did I know, how could I expect

That even you would blow away

Once the rain came

Hot and heavy like fresh tears.

 

So that’s what they see—

A cloud hanging over me

A darkness in my eyes

But I’m more than just that

More than this polarity

 

I’ve got a song in my heart

And the sun in my soul

I haven’t drowned in the downpour

Nor have I frozen in the cold

I’ve got a fire inside

Keep myself warm--

That keeps me alive

And every day I thank God

Because damn, even when I’ve

Got chapped lips and a chapped heart

I’ve got time to appreciate

The blue veins on white skin

The pretty picture life can make

 

Yeah, I’ve got a storm inside

And it’s not a pretty picture sometimes

As I blow it all down

Try to blow my troubles away

But it’s gotta pass soon

Hurricane Me ends eventually

And I’ll pick up the pieces

Rebuild myself

Until then, it’s all right

I’ve got the sun in my soul

A fire inside to keep me warm--

Passion running through my veins

Bringing forth this intensity I can’t explain

But it’s got me excited, got me going on and on,

A promise to see the sun, so of course I’ll chase the wind—

I haven’t let a storm or a wind or a hurricane blow my dreams away

And ain’t that a miracle?

 

Yeah, I’m a real cloudburst

Or a sweltering summer

But that’s me, take it or leave it

A perfect storm, at least till I can—

At least till I get the courage—

At least till I let my sun shine.

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