Gemini, they tell me I am
Throwing out words like
Restless and mutable, a proper air sign indeed
Emotional back-and-forth like a weathered whirlwind whiplash--
I’m tired of hearing it
But I hide behind it
Can’t explain why I’m so capricious
But in a way they’re right
I’m like an unpredictable storm
A zephyr, a gale--
Sometimes sunny with a high of 75,
Sometimes frigid blizzard in the middle of July
Too intense, extremes on either end
I try to hide it
I try to be gentle
(When I just want to be a hurricane)
I know that feeling’s ephermal, anyway
But that’s all I want to be these days
Cutting tumult, a squall
A storm on the horizon
There, then gone
I can be that zephyr though--
A burst of life on a quiescent day
Bringing you a gale of laughter
Fleeting promises, evanescent in the spring breeze
Gentle and free, full of whimsy
But only while the sun shined.
(It has to set eventually.)
Since then—I’ve felt like a hurricane more often than not.
Heavy and burdened with a maelstrom inside,
Ever since twilight descended.
I keep trying to move on.
Mornings, I rise reluctantly
And ignore the weight of a tempestuous heart.
The wind whispers remnants of false promises.
I don’t want to hear them.
Then I close eyes long gone sunblind
Immobilized by shadows in the mind that hid
Dark anxieties’ clouds. Not one knew them.
I’d inhale and feel the storm lurking, looming.
A heaviness, humid like tears
The scent of salt on the wind.
When my breath was calmed, I see the sun--
So, so fleetingly--
And swiftly I would smile,
Soak up the warmth and pretend summer would never end,
Silently fearing those inevitable rains of winter,
The squall blowing me away,
And the cold seeping through my bones.
Whispering poignant, painful truth to you,
Words rushing like a fleeting breeze towards you,
Who had offered me shelter from the cold
The smell of flowers and the sound of birdsong
I hadn’t heard them during April’s showers
Hadn’t felt a warmth like that
Starting from my heart and shining out.
It was fleeting though
Such a brief respite from that storm inside
What did I know, how could I expect
That even you would blow away
Once the rain came
Hot and heavy like fresh tears.
So that’s what they see—
A cloud hanging over me
A darkness in my eyes
But I’m more than just that
More than this polarity
I’ve got a song in my heart
And the sun in my soul
I haven’t drowned in the downpour
Nor have I frozen in the cold
I’ve got a fire inside
Keep myself warm--
That keeps me alive
And every day I thank God
Because damn, even when I’ve
Got chapped lips and a chapped heart
I’ve got time to appreciate
The blue veins on white skin
The pretty picture life can make
Yeah, I’ve got a storm inside
And it’s not a pretty picture sometimes
As I blow it all down
Try to blow my troubles away
But it’s gotta pass soon
Hurricane Me ends eventually
And I’ll pick up the pieces
Until then, it’s all right
I’ve got the sun in my soul
A fire inside to keep me warm--
Passion running through my veins
Bringing forth this intensity I can’t explain
But it’s got me excited, got me going on and on,
A promise to see the sun, so of course I’ll chase the wind—
I haven’t let a storm or a wind or a hurricane blow my dreams away
And ain’t that a miracle?
Yeah, I’m a real cloudburst
Or a sweltering summer
But that’s me, take it or leave it
A perfect storm, at least till I can—
At least till I get the courage—
At least till I let my sun shine.