That Gay Kid

In the darkest depths of the earth

There remains a site so tangled and mucked with mud

That nobody noticed it

Nobody knew it existed

And why would they

It was just

A broken closet

 

Doors that almost swung open

But stayed shut

Knobs that loosen

From the endless indecision

The whispers mumbled in that empty storage

Talking about how happiness is subjective

How love isn’t real

How he wasn’t really

Gay

 

And maybe he wasn’t

But why was there a void of hope

Why was there a vacuous heart

Why was there

Even a closet

 

He knew what he couldn’t say

A family he couldn’t tell

Friends he couldn’t face

For “a love that wasn’t real”

 

That gay kid was conservative

And he enclosed himself in the closet

Knowing the hurls of

The parents who minded

and that reminded him

The book was holy and it was absolute

 

“I’m coming out of the closet”

Were the first words

Of a boy

In a Youtube video

 

As the video went on

He inhaled the life out of the screen

And it went black

 

He smiled like the dead sea

And his happiness was like a toxic love letter

So endearing

Yet so bitter

 

Privileged gays and their liberal parents

A spit in his dignity

Wallowed in sticky jealousy

One’s happiness was now one’s misery

That’s how his world turned

 

Video after video

And after countless all-nighters lying in his bed

He began to think

What if it was all in his head

 

Acceptance was just three words away

In the darkness of the day he could just say

“I am gay”

It’s so simple

 

That gay kid was anything but simple

He was anxious, afraid and lost

Every day was a battle and

Every night was a struggle

 

But there came a day that

He became tired of hiding

Always abiding to the rules of relationships

 

So he sat his parents down

In the room where everything was open

Even their eyes couldn’t close

As he started with the words

“You guys should sit down

This is gonna be a dose”

 

They were mute the whole time

As the stench of anxiety overwhelmed the boy

He stuttered, stammered and lisped

The words he recited in the mirror

Twenty times before this

 

What can he say

How can he say it right

The field was flooding

The mind was brooding

The trees were burning

Where was he going?!

 

The hedges of the maze in his mind

Right or left

Up or down

Left or right

What is right

“okay listen”

Said the boy who was so sure

That he wasn’t

 

“I’m—“

And these words can play over a radio track

A broken disc

But it was such a risk

 

He didn’t care

He should

 he’ll live

Or he’ll die

Is it even worth a try

Maybe he should stop

No keep going

Almost there

NO WAIT

 

“Gay”

He said

With no striking charisma

With such unsteadiness

Nerves in overdrive

He was barely alive

Waiting for an answer

Waiting for…

 

“Okay”

Said the dad

We’re actually quite

G

L

A

D

You told us

Because we knew

 

And that’s when the boy died

Rest in peace

 

And this is why you don’t come out kids