The First Time

Wed, 05/14/2014 - 22:35 -- CJAM
The first time I feel asleep listening to your heart beat
i decided this is where i want to live
nestled up into your side
your arm wrapped around me
safe, warm, love
all the things I imagined a man to be
was a reality
 
The first time you kissed me
every other person who had touched my
lip erased themselves from my memory
you took over every thought
I lick my lips on lonely nights
snuggled up in your shirt
imagining i can still taste you
 
The first time you hugged me
it felt like coming home
finding that one missing part of me
I was finally whole
my past, worries, the constant thinking 
didn't matter, only you, only me
bodies pressed together beneath clothes
 
The first time I sat in you lap
it felt better than meeting Santa
i fit perfectly between two impossibly long arms
the click of keys, or scratch of pen on paper
faded, the world disappeared
I never wanted to leave, still don't want to
a puzzle is never meant to be broken once it's fixed
 
The first time i said i like you
my heart beat so fast
I thought for sure you must have heard it
situations of horrible outcomes filtered through my mind
you smiled, the one that makes my heart soar
releasing endorphin through my veins
you said, I like you too
 
The first time i met you parents
I almost didn't make it
all faults, imperfections, and flaws
become a flashing neon sign
they couldn't like me, shouldn't like me
we laughed, smiling, all worry faded
it felt like being accepted, becoming a family
 
the first time you met my parents
I thought for sure you would leave
all the crazy, too much, all the difference, too much
you accepted in stride, still nervous
but you were prefect, amazing, all the things i wasn't
more than I ever deserved
much too broken, to scared, but they loved you
 
The first time I thought iIloved you
the world stopped, collapsing
figured you'd leave like all the others
you stayed though like an annoying dog
you love despite all the barking
and i might love you, more than i thought
i don't know exactly what I'm feeling, but it's maybe love
 
The first time I slept in you shirt
I felt like never waking up
sleeping with your presence around me, it was like you were there
i wanted to keep it, hold on to it
it was something precious to me
a piece of you i could keep
but then i found something better
 
The first time I met you
I didn't know you, didn't understand you
but looking back
I can't say there was something special
love at first sight shit
still though a spark developed between us
 
The first time i realized what love was
I wanted it, craved it, desired it above all else
and maybe, just maybe, I've finally found it with you
in this ever present warmth inside of me.
 
The first time I felt lonely
your arm wrapped itself around my chest, but 
the warmth simply was not there
I wondered if the love was too
 
The first time I cried in front of you
I thought I saw comfort
but that was projecting what I longed for
on the unemotional mask sliding in
Laughter never was the best medicine
 
The first time you were gone
It never crossed my mind to miss you
no craving, longing, wish for your ever present touch
my words longed for what my heart had stopped
 
The last time I talked to you
no butterflies, no somersaults
no turning up at the lips
no thunder, no longing for your touch 
 
The last time I saw you
coated itself in the memories of the
first time I saw you
you smiled and I smiles back
only that was that

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741