first relationships and how they end

she made me feel so happy…

so why did I feel so trapped?

I felt that I had finally found a person in this world who genuinely cared for me—and who I genuinely cared for back—and simultaneously that I was drowning where I stood.

 

it made me feel

     terrible

     awful

     worthless

     like the worst girlfriend in the history of

        girlfriends.

 

so that was the end of it.

I still felt bad.

terrible, actually,

like I had just ruined one of the only good things that had ever happened to me.

 

I still feel that way sometimes:

guilty, oh, so guilty.

maybe my guilt is warranted,

maybe not.

I still don't know.

 

we've only spoken once since that fateful day,

the day I told her the truth:

that she felt so much more for me than I ever did for her.

(it still makes my heart feel heavy as stone just thinking about it.)

(all she ever did was care about me and this is how I choose to repay her?)

(god how I hope she is okay.)

 

it's been several months.

 I haven't felt anything—

     butterflies

     a racing heart

     that giddy feeling when you realize how much

        you care for someone

for anyone since then,

and I don't know what to make of that.

 

did I break myself?

ward my soul against love forever?

did something happen during my one and only relationship that brought my heart to its knees?

 

it was enough to make me wonder for a time 

if I was suddenly aromantic.

I don't think that's the case,

but for a short while I worried

I would never love again.

 

I still don't know 

quite what happened to me after

the end of 

all that.

I try not to think about it.

 

these days I pour all my love into inanimate objects—

books, TV shows, music, various arts-and-crafts projects—

so much love

that I just

don't

have any love left in my heart for anyone else.

 

maybe that's a good thing.

maybe this is the way I was meant to be,

by myself,

loving objects more than people.

 

after all,

my books,

my TV shows,

my music,

my projects,

can't feel anything.

I don't have to worry

about disappointing them.

I don't have to worry 

about them not loving me back.

they just have to

exist.

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

ExstacyRose

That is beautiful....................wonderfull job..:)

BaileyB00

thank you so much, I really appreciate that 

Zoyahdesmond

Wow... that's awesome. I really felt it

BaileyB00

thank you, I'm glad you liked it 

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