He told me he loved me. He looked me straight into my vulnerable eyes and said the most important words any human can say to another. He stood there, still staring at me, waiting for a response. Say it back. I couldn't. For a quick second, I almost said it back, but the words couldn't leave my mouth. Here I am, standing before the most important man in my life and I couldn't even genuinely express myself to him because I was scared.
Have you ever feared something so real? I'm embarrassed to admit it, if I'm being truthful, but I have this fear of love. This fear that I've had to deal with for most of my life. It's so easy for someone to say they love you and not mean it. I love you is said so often, those words aren't so special anymore. Every time I hear an I love you from someone, I wonder if they really mean it.
I've experienced fake love. A love that almost seems real, until it isn't. The type of love where I love you is said too often, with little meaning. I fear love the most in life because it is unbelievably hard to distinguish the difference between real and fake love. After all, most people cannot recognize the difference. This fake love isn't just received from partners, it is given by moms, dads, sisters, brothers, "best friends", enemies, and anyone else you can think of.
This may seem ironic, but I think people tend to give fake love to others because they have a fear of love too. They're scared to genuinely love another human being because of possible consequences. Consequences that aren't good. And that's exactly what I'm afraid of. The consequences. The result of love. The aftermath. I wish I could tell people I love them without feeling like my words are being forced. I think that often times people say I love you because the circumstances seem appropriate, not because they genuinely mean it at the time.
I'm constantly thinking about this fear that approaches me regularly. So, when he told me that he loved me, I couldn't say it back because a certain question is always on my mind: Does I love you really mean I love you?