my room always has LED lights that are red. 

something about the red gives me comfort.

maybe its the warmth and the comfort of sadness.

 

i often feel betrayed.

did you know i was told being in a relationship with me is like babysitting a 5 year old or a charity case?

that i fuck up everything and everyone around me.

did you know that i ruin every possible good thing for myself because i can never stand to actually be happy, my emotions are always red. 

 

people often tell me they feel pity for me.

did you know that they feel really that much pity for me that they would rather just be there for me, not because they care but because they know for a fact that no one else would be?

 

my heart often feels heavy.

not like a pebble, like a hard rock that’s fallen from a cave that barricades the entrance.

i wonder if you understand the way my heart works.

did you know how big my heart was after you left me? did you understand that everyday for 3 months i struggled with surviving because i was too busy reviving the memories of you that were in time turning red.

 

my head often feels scary.

not like a horror movie, like the feeling you get when your walking alone in the street.

did you know that i overthink any possible thing that can happen when i’m around you?

did you know that i experience derealization constantly because in my brain a world without you turns red.

 

my tears often fall.

not like my eyes are watering, like my eyes have a constant river flowing.

did you know that everytime i think about the words that were said to me, i cry?

did you know that i have to cry at least 3 times a week because if i don’t im afraid my eyes will always be red.

 

i often wish i was dead.

do you even care if i was here or gone?

never mind, don’t answer that. i’m not sure that i would be capable of handling the answer.

did you know if i died today, everything that would flow out of me would just be red?