There is something cold and dark inside of me. What else can it be called?
Some believe that it is heartbreak, but that can't be. I would need to have a heart to break. You took my heart with you the day you claimed it was "too much" and left me to the mercy of my own mind and the knives on the bathroom floor.
Perhaps it could be called loneliness. But no, for I would have to know companionship to be lonely. No one has ever stayed long enough for me to call them friend. No one is around for me to call family. There is no one to call home.
Maybe then, I am sad. The problem with that is that one should need to fell happy to compreheand the sad. No, my happieness was taken from me too soon.
The happieness faded along with my heart and my home. It left me the day he died and I was locked out of the funeral. I never said goodbye. It left me that day in the doctors office when she was diagnosed with cancer. They wouldn't let me hold your hand. It left me the day my only friends decided to bully me until I found myself sitting on the stone cold floor of a bathroom with a knife. I never did it.
Even in my weakest moment I found myself wondering why I could only fail. I found myself wondering why she never wrote back to my letters after he died. I found myself wondering when you decided that your wife having cancer was a reason to forget about you daughter. I found myself wondering when it was okay to tell your kid that she was failing, that she never did anything meaningful, or that she was dissapointing. I found myself wondering what it looked like to be okay. What it felt like to be free.
I gave him my heart, he left me waiting in the middle of the night. I gave him my trust and he abandoned me when I was weak. I gave them my friendship and they left me feeling worthless. I left you my soul and you discarded it like it was nothing. Maybe that is because it was. It was never anything of importance. It never would amount to anything.
There is something cold and dark inside of me. It eats at my core and smiles at my tears. There is only one word that could truly describe this.