Drowning

Location

 

I am not angry.

All I want to do is

place myself far from view and release

a shrill demonic sound.

I want my voice to carry,

for my scream to vibrate the air.

 

Rage and anger are as different as they are alike,

deceiving emotions, confusing those

who happen to be the unwilling

bearers or the innocent bystanders.

 

All pushed together,

held and strapped onto my very soul.

An erratic demon, bursting through the surface

revealing the colors of my inner thoughts.

 

This misery is sickening.

The pain that racks the body

brings me to my knees, a whip

slashing away at my skin.

The glass shards hammering through my veins,

these penetrating needles.

The craving to execute,

to slaughter

the throbbing beast inside my ribcage.

To end all of it.

 

I am drowning within myself.

Every day the urge grows stronger,

the urge to forget all control.

This isn’t anger.

This isn’t grief.

I will never understand what this is.

 

I am drowning.

Our souls, our hearts, our minds,

A giant ocean of the deep secrets

and unhealthy beliefs that we keep hidden,

even from ourselves.

The ocean expands at a perpetual rate.

You will never notice it.

 

It will reach a point;

you can no longer hide it.

It devours you.

You drown within its darkness,

fall beneath the waves of everything you once denied.

For as long as this ocean rages around you, burning

from being ignored, you will feel its pain.

You will feel everything you once tried to bury within.

 

We are all drowning.

 

If you have never felt a moment of insanity, now you will;

you will cry, you will scream and beg for release.

This ocean is relentless, unwilling, and merciless.

It will destroy you from the inside out.

 

It is made up of all the evil things,

the wicked lies and the nastiest of secrets,

concealed in the soul.

It will never see reason or mercy.

It is irony!

Because it is your fault in the end,

for hiding these sinister thoughts.

 

And if I am drowning,

all that is left for me is patience.

I must wait out this pain,

I must regain control.

 

I will not be taken alive.

 

I cannot fall to this evil without a fight.

 

Such a concept it is,

to be at war with your own mind.

Strategizing and fighting against the very thing

that makes it possible to genuinely live.

To wage a battle against the conscious sin,

this ocean of odium.

it is almost inconceivable, almost unimaginable.

 

Almost.

 

As you hear these words you may feel nothing,

but there is a wickedness squirming inside of you.

 

I speak the truth

and it fears my knowledge,

it knows my strength.

 

Do you think I am crazy?

I struggle against it every day.

That look upon my face, when it seems no one is left

behind my eyes;

I am fighting back the demons

that threatens to break free.

 

I am fighting for my own safety,

and for the sake of others.

I fight against my biggest enemy,

my most frightening, insolent and challenging threat.

I am fighting against the prevalent aspect

of my life.

Completely unknown

and yet it is the most familiar countenance.

 

You will never understand

until you feel this yourself.

And when you feel the ocean closing in over your head,

I sympathize for you.

 

There is something you have yet to learn

about the never-ending maw of this ocean.

Fight all you will; in the end

success can only be obtained by death.

This ocean of evil will never lose, will never

 grow weak, and will never fall to you.

 

It only waits

for you to fall to it.

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