Everyone talks about depression as if they know it.  

 

But what they don’t know is that depression is a hooded figure standing just outside of a wooden doorway,

 

it’s feeling the blood dripping down your skin and having the sick thought of  “Oh, look how beautiful the red is”

 

Depression is lying on your bed for hours on end, salt tracks lining your face like the scars on your wrists, staring at your ceiling tracing patterns in the paint and accepting death in life with this hole in your chest because death is a reward, an escape from this pain you deserve to feel.

 

Depression is writing sick poetry on skin and publishing it with scars, cutting on ankles, not wrists because you’re scared you’ll get in trouble but you so desperately need to be seen, and never are.

 

Depression is writing the word “alone” and seeing the word “home”, accepting the pain like a gift because you deserve it.

 

Depression is admitting suicidal thoughts to paper and not to people, and loving the broken things, hoping to tie them together, thinking maybe things will get better, but knowing that’s just wishful thinking.

 

Depression is hearing your mother call you monster and disgusting through the too-thin walls of your door when she thinks you can’t hear, and then telling you to your face that you have no right to cry, as if sadness is a privilege and you’re so pathetic that you don’t deserve it.

 

Depression is shutting yourself up in your room and hearing your family laughing downstairs because you feel like you can’t be a part of them and learning at a young age to love family always but that family isn’t always love

 

Depression is wanting to take love and your heart and break them into tiny little pieces and throw them into waves, to throw them away

 

Depression is a foot when the shoe hasn’t been broken in yet, is you when you haven’t broken life in, is seeing happy people and thinking they all look the same, like the front covers of magazines with smiles reaching their eyes when yours can’t.

 

Depression is wishing you could package your smiles into tiny little piles and hand them to people more deserving of them because you know you’re wasting them with half-assed lines of “I’m fine”

 

Depression is having to view your past as if it wasn’t yours, because to accept it as reality is to accept finality of your life through suicide.

 

Depression is a hooded figure standing just outside of a wooden doorway and when you close the door out of fear it keeps pounding, possessive, and when you open the door out of anger you shout, “I’M SCARED” to thin air but your voice comes out as a whisper.