Dear 10 year old me,

 

Just because you got hurt does NOT mean you can wreak havoc on my life now,

 

it doesn't mean that you can keep on sending flashes from the past to the present,

 

I just want to forget you ever existed,

 

I just want to block you out of my memory,

 

it hurts too much to know who you are,

 

you are a defenseless little girl,

 

you let yourself be hurt,

 

and you were too weak,

 

you almost gave up.

 

Dear 10 year old me,

 

You should've pushed him back when he pushed you on the bed,

 

when he said be quiet you should've screamed,

 

when he hurt you you should've told someone,

 

it was not 'our little secret',

 

it was not okay.

 

Dear 10 year old me,

 

I miss you,

 

I miss being able to have memories of you without waking up screaming,

 

because of what you let him do to you,

 

never remembering you in fondness,

 

without waking up sobbing,

 

I am scarred for life,

 

hoping one day my brain will let me remember a good part of that 10th year of my life.

 

Dear 10 year old me,

 

I don't hate you,

 

well technically I do,

 

I hate myself for letting this happen to you,

 

if I could go back and change the past I would.

 

Even if I couldn't stop it,

 

I'd comfort you,

 

give you a shoulder to cry on,

 

because that is something you did not have

 

Dear 10 year old me,

 

I'm sorry you grew up to be me,

 

I'm sorry I can't let you go,

 

I'm sorry.

 

I'm sorry I keep living that day over and over in my mind.

 

I'm sorry, you'll never be at peace again.

 

Dear 10 year old me,

 

Good bye.